I Don't Believe In Love
I cried myself to sleep earlier tonight. And then I had some really weird dreams and just woke up. My body is very drained from all of the crying. It just started to pour out of me - once it starts, I don't know how to make it stop.
Every night I lay my head down in hopes of gaining more than two hours of shut-eye at a time. I pray and pray that even in those two hours, I don't see, hear or feel my rape again. When I am lying in bed, fearing what kind of night this will be - thankful I made it through another day without challenging death - I begin to worry that the only thing so alive about my small and pathetic life is my loneliness.
I don't believe in love anymore. I don't believe there is someone out there who is strong enough to catch me every time I fall like this. I don't believe there is someone out there who is accepting enough of my rape and what kind of life it has given to me. I don't believe - even if I do find someone like this - that I will even believe him. I don't believe in happily ever after. I don't believe in soulmates. I don't believe that love conquers all. I just don't believe in any of it. It's all bullshit.
I do believe that I will settle with someone, but I won't be happy. I don't believe I will ever be happy again. Perhaps my negative outlook is subconsciously setting me up for failure, but I don't really believe that either. Even now, being so honest with you as I have never been with anyone else, tears have started to flood out me once again. These words are blurring as I am writing them to you. My eyes will be burning tomorrow from all of the crying. My body will be so drained from being so empty.
Why can't I make this stop??? I don't want to feel like this anymore but I can't - and don't - remember a time when I was happy and content with everything I was made up of on the inside and the outside. Am I being stubborn and angry? Shouldn't I just accept my past and be able to move on by now? I am very confused. I am even more confused with how deeply rooted the effects of my rape really are. I am so much more confused still with where that leaves me now.
My first boyfriend after I was raped dumped me because he couldn't move past the truth. He didn't even want to touch me anymore. I reached for his hand on the way to one of our last dinner dates. Without even looking over at me or saying a word, he let go of my hand and continued to walk straight ahead toward the restaurant. I can't even begin to describe what I felt when he dropped my hand out of his. I used to be "the most beautiful girl he had ever seen." And now I was the most repulsive, dirty and shameful thing he had ever been with. Our break-up was awful. I didn't want to date anyone after him. He was heartache enough.
Another boyfriend - the first man I thought I could fall in love with, but was so terrified of his reaction after learning the truth - had met someone else he wanted to pursue towards the end of our relationship. We were over long before we ever ended it. We had a healthy sex life... until the night I panicked when he was inside of me. I immediately made him stop, got up and ran out of the room completely mortified and terrified of what just happened. I felt myself rapidly fall down the same dark, bottomless pit my rapist threw me in. I tried to make it work with this one - I really, truly cared for him and wanted to be as mature and adult as I possibly could be. As time progressed, so did our relationship. But our sex life was quickly hitting a wall. I confessed one night. He immediately had a million and a half questions, making me feel like I was getting the third degree about every little detail. Didn't he believe me? Why did he need to know so much? I froze in fear and divulged everything, feeling so violated again. I felt even more angry with myself that I wasn't strong enough to be more up front about how uncomfortable he was making me, but more than that, I was angry that he thought he deserved to know everything right away. After that, things didn't look so great for us anymore. Our sex life was quickly diminishing - it was always an issue with us. I needed to slow things down. He never understood why. The day I called to tell him I was moving to another state, he told me he met someone else. I was crushed, but so relieved.
I believe I will never feel safe with a man again. Or trust him. I am very doubting of true intentions and my mind begins to work overtime with finding ways to prove these doubts. It's a very twisted, twisted game that goes on inside of me. It's a game I have yet to win. Except that I don't believe winning is an option. I think I will just get tired of playing the game.
I am already tired of playing the game. I just want it to end. Wish I had some pills to overdose on again. Wish a car would veer out of control while driving and just kill me instantly. Wish something fast and quick would end my life because I can't bear this numbing pain anymore. I am just one small, unnoticed, lonely, dirty, shameful, guilty, angry, sad, sad person with a leftover and wasteful life. No one will miss me if I am gone. No one will even notice. Not even you.
Every night I lay my head down in hopes of gaining more than two hours of shut-eye at a time. I pray and pray that even in those two hours, I don't see, hear or feel my rape again. When I am lying in bed, fearing what kind of night this will be - thankful I made it through another day without challenging death - I begin to worry that the only thing so alive about my small and pathetic life is my loneliness.
I don't believe in love anymore. I don't believe there is someone out there who is strong enough to catch me every time I fall like this. I don't believe there is someone out there who is accepting enough of my rape and what kind of life it has given to me. I don't believe - even if I do find someone like this - that I will even believe him. I don't believe in happily ever after. I don't believe in soulmates. I don't believe that love conquers all. I just don't believe in any of it. It's all bullshit.
I do believe that I will settle with someone, but I won't be happy. I don't believe I will ever be happy again. Perhaps my negative outlook is subconsciously setting me up for failure, but I don't really believe that either. Even now, being so honest with you as I have never been with anyone else, tears have started to flood out me once again. These words are blurring as I am writing them to you. My eyes will be burning tomorrow from all of the crying. My body will be so drained from being so empty.
Why can't I make this stop??? I don't want to feel like this anymore but I can't - and don't - remember a time when I was happy and content with everything I was made up of on the inside and the outside. Am I being stubborn and angry? Shouldn't I just accept my past and be able to move on by now? I am very confused. I am even more confused with how deeply rooted the effects of my rape really are. I am so much more confused still with where that leaves me now.
My first boyfriend after I was raped dumped me because he couldn't move past the truth. He didn't even want to touch me anymore. I reached for his hand on the way to one of our last dinner dates. Without even looking over at me or saying a word, he let go of my hand and continued to walk straight ahead toward the restaurant. I can't even begin to describe what I felt when he dropped my hand out of his. I used to be "the most beautiful girl he had ever seen." And now I was the most repulsive, dirty and shameful thing he had ever been with. Our break-up was awful. I didn't want to date anyone after him. He was heartache enough.
Another boyfriend - the first man I thought I could fall in love with, but was so terrified of his reaction after learning the truth - had met someone else he wanted to pursue towards the end of our relationship. We were over long before we ever ended it. We had a healthy sex life... until the night I panicked when he was inside of me. I immediately made him stop, got up and ran out of the room completely mortified and terrified of what just happened. I felt myself rapidly fall down the same dark, bottomless pit my rapist threw me in. I tried to make it work with this one - I really, truly cared for him and wanted to be as mature and adult as I possibly could be. As time progressed, so did our relationship. But our sex life was quickly hitting a wall. I confessed one night. He immediately had a million and a half questions, making me feel like I was getting the third degree about every little detail. Didn't he believe me? Why did he need to know so much? I froze in fear and divulged everything, feeling so violated again. I felt even more angry with myself that I wasn't strong enough to be more up front about how uncomfortable he was making me, but more than that, I was angry that he thought he deserved to know everything right away. After that, things didn't look so great for us anymore. Our sex life was quickly diminishing - it was always an issue with us. I needed to slow things down. He never understood why. The day I called to tell him I was moving to another state, he told me he met someone else. I was crushed, but so relieved.
I believe I will never feel safe with a man again. Or trust him. I am very doubting of true intentions and my mind begins to work overtime with finding ways to prove these doubts. It's a very twisted, twisted game that goes on inside of me. It's a game I have yet to win. Except that I don't believe winning is an option. I think I will just get tired of playing the game.
I am already tired of playing the game. I just want it to end. Wish I had some pills to overdose on again. Wish a car would veer out of control while driving and just kill me instantly. Wish something fast and quick would end my life because I can't bear this numbing pain anymore. I am just one small, unnoticed, lonely, dirty, shameful, guilty, angry, sad, sad person with a leftover and wasteful life. No one will miss me if I am gone. No one will even notice. Not even you.
posted by The Missing Link at 2/25/2006 12:12:00 AM
17 Comments:
Hello,
Just so you know, random stranger. My partner was raped when young, and then again in her early 20s. These were her first two experiences with men.
10 or so years later, she found me. Or perhaps, I found her. It's not been easy - for either of us - but a 'normal' life is possible. It's not, though, about 'strength' of a person to catch you when you fall. And it's not about 'falling' either. It's just about life, and living it, and bad things that have happened and her and my way of dealing with them. They don't go away, but they do get muted, and can be moved away from, and things can be ok.
You can be happy with another person. The guy who didn't take yuor hand was a loser, and it's his fault, not yours.
For my part, I understand why my partner sometimes freezes up when we have sex. I understand that sometimes things aren't easy, and that we have to play for a good 30 minutes or more before sex (although that part's usually fun).
I'm not special. There are plenty of people who can deal, and who will - not understand, as such, but will follow your lead, will stop when you say stop, and not ask questions you don't want asked. Don't beat yourself up over the way you've interacted with one or two people. In the greater scheme of things, it really doesn't matter. While things clearly are as bad as you write, right now, but they don't always have to be.
Thank you so much for your reply. You are - and I apologize for how this must sound... and do not mean it in the literal sense - the "enemy." Your words are of great value to me. And I am certain you are EVERYTHING special to your partner. Do not ever forget that.
I do realize that I have to have faith in myself and this grand, grand world again in order to move forward. But sometimes, when the nightmares and emotions suffocate me, I forget the simplest truth of my rape:
I AM moving forward all the while I am feeling so overwhelmed. Time DOES keep moving on, and so does the learning, the surviving, the integrating, the understanding... all of it.
I have to learn how to get out of my own way long enough to let the good hearts and worthwhile experiences back into my life. Everyday is a struggle, yes. It's not about who did what anymore... what's done is done... it is what it is... I have to keep reminding myself these things over and over... it's about "what can I do today to make tomorrow better for myself."
I am learning every single moment I take a step in this world.
Thanks again for you reply - hope you keep revisiting and commenting...
Much Love to You & Your Partner -
The Missing Link
I know I'm the enemy. Now. And perhaps for longer (I found the blog cos it was one of the "last updated"... and with a name like the one you've given it, and knowing of (but not really knowing of) what my partner went through, how could I not leave a comment?). Hmm... that was too much in parentheses... anyway.
I reckon you're doing pretty well, all things considered. You're giving a fair bit away - people close to you may find this blog and work out who you are (I'm in another country, and I'm not saying which in case people close to me work out who I am and by that who she is, and her story's her own and I don't tell it to people - my, aren't I paranoid).
But so many women I know have been through this. The big thing - which you know - is that you're not alone, and this is a thing that ... well, it doesn't "go away" as such, but it doesn't have to rule your life. And as for the touching as much as a 'normal person' bit you wrote? There are no normal people. I don't touch people much either.
This is vaguer than I meant it to be (second beer of the day after a long day at work). Sorry. I guess I saw the blog title. I can't do anything for her any more, and I think maybe I don't need to. But I wanted you to know that some degree of normalcy - insofar as anything's ever normal - is possible. And we've nothing in common and you're an American and I'm not and you've gone through things that are unlikely to happen to me and I'm (by definition) a patronising loser (and the enemy - I don't take offence - it's not all about me, after all, and you'll never know me anyway). But I wondered if anything I could do would help. I think that you help out where you can.
The biggest thing, the most important thing, my partner ever did was the day I saw her after our first date - we kissed, nothing much else more - she told me what happened. I can't believe the courage that took (although we'd met a few times before, I guess, but she didn't know me that well). And I think that's a good thing - although hard. Cos it's like a dickhead filter - the people who can't deal are losers you won't want to be involved with anyway.
Long, rambling, likely pointless. But so be it. *sigh* another leftie out to save the world :-)
By the way (you know this already, but I guess I'm showing that I do too), the missing link was a reference to the gap in evolutionary theory between animals and people. The mistake most make is to assume we're people and not animals. I think 'people' status is possible, but we ain't there yet.
I think I need to come up with a better name than "me".
I don't know what its like to be raped, I'm sure it would completely fuck me up. And I'm sure I'd be completely miserable and find it pretty much impossible to find a light, a way out.
I'd need someone to help me out, just like I need someone now.
We have certain feelings, partly based on out internal biochemistry and partly on our experiences, and no matter how we think, they keep coming back, relentlessly. We can feel good for a second, and then a tidal wave of misery comes in and it all gets swept away - like the good moment never existed. These feelings are almost impossible to control. Doesn't matter how positively you think - the waves just keeping coming in.
Almost impossible means possible.
Try a little exercise, in your next five entries stop talking about how people are letting you down. Stop telling us about how sad you feel. Tell us about how people are showing you a bit of love, just little things, gestures that you encounter in a day. Tell us about how you felt good today about something, helped someone out. Expand upon these moments - what does it tell you about your potential, about the potential for happiness that resides in you?
I know its not going to change much about how you feel - but its the right direction to be heading in.
You talk about dying. Die having loved, die having been able to show love, die knowing that from time to time that you felt happy, despite everything else - and that for all the opportunities you had to love and feel happy - it was worth living.
I wont miss you when you're gone, and if anyone does miss you, they'll all die one day too -
:-)
e-n-j-o-y-l-i-fe
i-t-s-n-o-t-m-e-a-n-t-t-o-b-e-e-a-s-y
Hey honey
I know exactly what you're saying in that post, even though it was last year somtime. In my short life, (15 years) I've been raped twice. I still can't stand for people to touch me sometimes, but I deal. I now have a great boyfriend who loves me for who I am, not for what someone has made me. There's someone out there for everyone. I lost my faith in love after I was raped for the second time, but I found someone special who helped me get it back again. It gets easier, and I know one day you'll find someone understands you and accepts you for who you are.
It get's better =]
Red xxxx
Hi Missing link. I am a 34 year old male. I was also raped when I was a child. I was kidnapped and raped by two men. I understand how you feel. It is a violation I can never get over. I have so much trouble sexually that dating just isn't worth the trouble. I am scared when someone is sexually aggressive with me and I can't bring myself to be the initiator with someone else because it makes me feel like my rapist. All the women I have dated have found me so confusing and frustrating that they leave me. My Mother also cheated on my Father a lot so its not like I trust women at all. The pain and loneliness that I feel everyday seem to be the only thing that is real and and I can trust. Its the only thing that I know will always be there and convince me I am alive. of course someonetimes they also remind me that maybe living isn't worth the trouble or the pain. I wish I could give you something uplifting and positive, but I don't have any of that left.
I know how it all feels. I was molested by an uncle and a neighbor as a child, starting at age three. I actually needed a surgery once because I had trouble urinating. I had no control....and I blamed myself. One thing that stands out to me in your blog is how you refer to the rape as yours..."my rape" The hardest thing to do sometimes is to stop associating yourself and your sense of worth to what happened to you. I felt like I was a bad seed, and that I had to do everything right to compensate for what was taken from me.
It is so easy to isolate yourself in walls you create, cause it seems like that will keep more pain out. But in reality, all you do is trap yourself in it....
Its good to vent, bceause I really think silence is the worst at times. At least you are trying to understand and face your emotions as they come. It is so normal and ok to feel like that. When I woke up and felt that cloud looming over me, sometimes the only person I had to talk to was myself and God. But I made up a decision that I would be happy. I decided with firmness that I would not waste my time here depressed over someones actions that I had no control over. The idea of walking around carrying the two of them and thier offenses in my spirit started to make me angry, and so began the process of laying them down. Anger, revenge, and guilt are all poisins that rob you. Not them but you. And so I began the process of letting God take them away from me. Letting my burden fall into Jesus arms. Dont know what you believe in, but I hope u can begin doing this in the best way you can. I am so pleased that you are still here, doing your best to make your way through it. I know u will.
I JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW, THAT I TOO WAS RAPED, AND I TOO WAS DUMPED AFTER I TOLD MY BOYFRIEND WHAT HAD HAPPENED. I'VE MET SOMEONE NEW RECENTLY, AND I HAVEN'T SAID ANYTHING YET. I AM IN SUCH GREAT FEAR OF THE SAME THING HAPPENING.
I WAS TOLD BY A VICTIM COUNSELOR THAT MEN SOMETIMES FEEL SO HELPLESS, THAT THEY JUST LET GO. I THINK THAT WAS A GENTLE WAY OF SAYING HE WAS A JERK........ AND TO MOVE ON.
JUST KNOW, THERE ARE ALOT OF US OUT HERE THAT UNDERSTAND JUST WHAT YOU'RE FEELING. I HOPE FOR YOU, MYSELF, & ANYONE ELSE THAT HAS SHARED THIS EXPERIENCE THAT WE WILL FIND THAT PERFECT SOMEONE THAT CAN LOOK PAST WHAT HAPPENED, AND CAN LOVE US FOR THE SURVIVORS THAT WE REALLY ARE.
MY THOUGHTS & LOVE
I don't believe in love either. Not the romantic, sexual kind, anyway. It seems like something that has been exaggerated and imagined over time, through fairy tales and the like. The more I see people around me fooling themselves, the more I am convinced that it doesn't really exist.
But just because that kind of love doesn't exist, doesn't mean you shouldn't either. I have to believe that there is some other purpose out there somewhere. This sounds crazy--I'm not a hippy, I'm not high, and I haven't been abducted by aliens--there's a greater purpose out there. I think finding a purpose may be the greatest healer out there for you. There might not be a person out there who can support you or heal you, and you may have to find the strength to heal yourself. It looks like a lonely road, but I believe you have the strength within you to walk it.
Hi stranger. I dont know much about you, but somehow I got to your blog. I really like the way you write, it's brave to stand up to your feeling like that. Just wanted you to know that!
All the best
/Angelica from sweden
Hi everyone,
I have also struggled with molestation and rape. When I was four I was molested by a family friend for 2 years. When I was 16 I was forcefully raped by my 19 year old boyfriend that I loved which made me very confused.
In confusion and afraid that I would never be able to trust men again I decided to jump into another relationship with a guy that wasn’t my type but I knew that he was honest and caring. In the short run the relationship was great and I was happy. I was upfront with him and our relationship was based on trust.
Until one night changed everything.
Everything changed because I was raped by my friend’s boyfriend's friend. It was an awful experience and only lasted a few minutes until he finally got off me after I was telling him NO!! STOP!! the entire time.. After a couple minutes he released me and I actually thanked him... This made me feel weak and pathetic. How could I be so kind to someone that violated me??
After this I my boyfriend knew something had happened and I told him that I couldn’t talk to him about it. He was concerned buy I thought that in time everything would heal and blow over and things would be normal again after all being raped wasn’t anything new to me.
It wasn't anything new to me until I started to worry about being pregnant. I took about 15 pregnancy tests altogether because I was paranoid. Finally about the 16th pregnancy test I gained enough confidence to have my boyfriend come with me to take the test. This made him very confused because we had only had protected sex a couple of times during our relationship and it had happened months ago but I told him I just wanted peace of mind so he agreed to come with me.
In my mind I predicted the test would come back negative and I could go on with my everyday life with the boyfriend I loved but I was wrong. The test was positive. I screamed in the burger king restroom and ran out crying to hug him while holding the test in my hand.
His eyes popped out of his head and he hugged me and said I don’t understand how this is possible. By this time we were outside and I was sitting in the passenger seat trying to catch my breath.. I couldn’t breath.. All I could say is it isn’t yours...
He knew that I would never cheat on him it made him very confused but I couldn’t stop hyperventilating to tell him what happened it was so hard to catch my breath.
When I finally caught my breath he had already come to a conclusion in his mind but he gave me silence so that I could tell him exactly what was going on. I then explained everything to him and I told him I didn’t know what I was going to do about the pregnancy because I didn't know if abortion would be the proper response.
He wanted me to get an abortion so we decided to break up so that I wouldn’t be influenced by his input. Although we were broken up we spent every second together and he was with my through the entire abortion which I decided to have.
After the abortion I wanted to be with him again so that we could start where we left off but he insisted that he needed more time to clear his head. this went on for a few months and I started to feel dirty and isolated. I didn’t know that I could ever enjoy having sex again if I didn't do it willingly with someone.
I told him that I couldn’t wait that I didn't know if I could wait because I needed love and affection. Every time I saw him I would be reminded about how pathetic I was to allow something like this to happen and destroy our relationship.
At this point I decided that I was going to date other people and if I could I wanted to fall in love again and forget the past completely.
In effort to forget the past I did fall in love with someone new. I let go of the past so I thought until my relationship failed.
I tried again and the relationship failed.
Now I have a failure pattern.
But I have refused to loose hope.
Now I am single and I am trying to love myself. I am trying to respect myself. I am trying to do what I need to do rather than what I feel I need to do.
Trying to be in control of my emotions when it comes to relationships has become a part of my everyday struggle.
I don’t want anymore conflicting thoughts or ideas of what I think is right or wrong or what things should or shouldn’t be like. I want to accept myself for who and what I am.
I don’t want to feel guilty because I have issues that I think burden the relationships that I have. I don’t want to settle because I feel that I am defective.
Instead of focusing on all the things I could have should have and would have done I need to focus on who I am and what I want to become so that I can understand and plan what I need to do to get their.
At the same time I need to realize that everyone has issues and regardless what those issues are the control and power that those issues hold over my life depending on the power that I am willing to allow it to have.
I think the key is to figure out who I am why I am and what I want to become.
So far I know who I am and why I am. Now I need to figure out exactly what I want so that I can plan for a successful happy future.
In deciding what I want for my future I have to take into consideration the person I am now and why I am. By knowing Who and why I can figure out what I need to become the person that I want to be..
If you’re still following me, and I hope that you are. I want each and every one of you to believe that despite our struggles we need to embrace our fear and continue to try and never give up on loveing and accepting ourselves for who we are now so that we can do what we need to do to be happy... We can’t loose hope life is a mystery and we need to do our best to be the best that we can.
I want you to know that I believe that each of us can get through the tough times and live healthy lives. I am a survivor and although it is a daily struggle I have moments that I am sooo happy. Sometimes hours, days, weeks even months.
I have become happiest by focusing on my qualities and realizing that we all have so much to offer. Sometimes it is hard to find what we value inside ourselves. I hope that someday I will continue to rise above my feelings of weakness, confusion and have more control of my emotions...
I believe that each of us and all of us can do this. I believe in you...
If you would like to contact me my email is Tera@zenbe.com.
Hi everyone,
I have also struggled with molestation and rape. When I was four I was molested by a family friend for 2 years. When I was 16 I was forcefully raped by my 19 year old boyfriend that I loved which made me very confused.
In confusion and afraid that I would never be able to trust men again I decided to jump into another relationship with a guy that wasn’t my type but I knew that he was honest and caring. In the short run the relationship was great and I was happy. I was upfront with him and our relationship was based on trust.
Until one night changed everything.
Everything changed because I was raped by my friend’s boyfriend's friend. It was an awful experience and only lasted a few minutes until he finally got off me after I was telling him NO!! STOP!! the entire time.. After a couple minutes he released me and I actually thanked him... This made me feel weak and pathetic. How could I be so kind to someone that violated me??
After this I my boyfriend knew something had happened and I told him that I couldn’t talk to him about it. He was concerned buy I thought that in time everything would heal and blow over and things would be normal again after all being raped wasn’t anything new to me.
It wasn't anything new to me until I started to worry about being pregnant. I took about 15 pregnancy tests altogether because I was paranoid. Finally about the 16th pregnancy test I gained enough confidence to have my boyfriend come with me to take the test. This made him very confused because we had only had protected sex a couple of times during our relationship and it had happened months ago but I told him I just wanted peace of mind so he agreed to come with me.
In my mind I predicted the test would come back negative and I could go on with my everyday life with the boyfriend I loved but I was wrong. The test was positive. I screamed in the burger king restroom and ran out crying to hug him while holding the test in my hand.
His eyes popped out of his head and he hugged me and said I don’t understand how this is possible. By this time we were outside and I was sitting in the passenger seat trying to catch my breath.. I couldn’t breath.. All I could say is it isn’t yours...
He knew that I would never cheat on him it made him very confused but I couldn’t stop hyperventilating to tell him what happened it was so hard to catch my breath.
When I finally caught my breath he had already come to a conclusion in his mind but he gave me silence so that I could tell him exactly what was going on. I then explained everything to him and I told him I didn’t know what I was going to do about the pregnancy because I didn't know if abortion would be the proper response.
He wanted me to get an abortion so we decided to break up so that I wouldn’t be influenced by his input. Although we were broken up we spent every second together and he was with my through the entire abortion which I decided to have.
After the abortion I wanted to be with him again so that we could start where we left off but he insisted that he needed more time to clear his head. this went on for a few months and I started to feel dirty and isolated. I didn’t know that I could ever enjoy having sex again if I didn't do it willingly with someone.
I told him that I couldn’t wait that I didn't know if I could wait because I needed love and affection. Every time I saw him I would be reminded about how pathetic I was to allow something like this to happen and destroy our relationship.
At this point I decided that I was going to date other people and if I could I wanted to fall in love again and forget the past completely.
In effort to forget the past I did fall in love with someone new. I let go of the past so I thought until my relationship failed.
I tried again and the relationship failed.
Now I have a failure pattern.
But I have refused to loose hope.
Now I am single and I am trying to love myself. I am trying to respect myself. I am trying to do what I need to do rather than what I feel I need to do.
Trying to be in control of my emotions when it comes to relationships has become a part of my everyday struggle.
I don’t want anymore conflicting thoughts or ideas of what I think is right or wrong or what things should or shouldn’t be like. I want to accept myself for who and what I am.
I don’t want to feel guilty because I have issues that I think burden the relationships that I have. I don’t want to settle because I feel that I am defective.
Instead of focusing on all the things I could have should have and would have done I need to focus on who I am and what I want to become so that I can understand and plan what I need to do to get their.
At the same time I need to realize that everyone has issues and regardless what those issues are the control and power that those issues hold over my life depending on the power that I am willing to allow it to have.
I think the key is to figure out who I am why I am and what I want to become.
So far I know who I am and why I am. Now I need to figure out exactly what I want so that I can plan for a successful happy future.
In deciding what I want for my future I have to take into consideration the person I am now and why I am. By knowing Who and why I can figure out what I need to become the person that I want to be..
If you’re still following me, and I hope that you are. I want each and every one of you to believe that despite our struggles we need to embrace our fear and continue to try and never give up on loveing and accepting ourselves for who we are now so that we can do what we need to do to be happy... We can’t loose hope life is a mystery and we need to do our best to be the best that we can.
I want you to know that I believe that each of us can get through the tough times and live healthy lives. I am a survivor and although it is a daily struggle I have moments that I am sooo happy. Sometimes hours, days, weeks even months.
I have become happiest by focusing on my qualities and realizing that we all have so much to offer. Sometimes it is hard to find what we value inside ourselves. I hope that someday I will continue to rise above my feelings of weakness, confusion and have more control of my emotions...
I believe that each of us and all of us can do this. I believe in you...
If you would like to contact me my email is Tera@zenbe.com.
Wow! i am 13 years old and i have been molesed when i was 9 by my best friends dad! it was horriable I dodnt know what to to so I told my brother and thats how they found out he had killed himself after he found out i told i dont care because he desireves it! but know im 13 and have been raped by my brothers friend he is 28 yes I loved him and thats why I did but he had me emotionally and physically harmed ! Im still not over it because he did it 4 times on top of his 21 year old brother! I have had so much going on I just cant handle it anymore I feel like its my fault but then agian im not sure because the way he made me feel! but yes I feel so bad for the real little ones and the teenagers about all tis because I have had it happen to me and its not something that can just poof out of your mind . I wish it could but its stuck in there forveer I have had a ruff life time as you can tell , I really regrat it all because I wanted to wait know my body is damaged and I cant sav it for the one I wanna be with the rest of my life. Im here for any of the teenagers adualts kids or whom ever who has been though any of this! i cant say i know edzacially how you feel but I can have a pretty good unnderstanding.
Im sorry if any of this has happen to you but be strong and its not your faualt trust me men can get you these days dont let them get to you! because you will not like it! keep your heads up if you need someone to talk to imm here ! dont be scared to ask me anything im a really nice person and i can helpp
well theres my life story I hope you all never go though this!
Hi,
I was recently at a 'Take Back the Night' rally. It was a forum for people from all backrounds who have had experiences like yours to be heard and be comforted by a huge group of supporters.
I don't know if you have thought about seeking outside help from a source, like a councilor, but I would really advocate it. Try looking one who specializes in women's topics. At my college we have a Women's Resource Center where you can go and get free counciling/loving support from someone whose goal in life is to support other survivors and talk you through the pain. All the women (and men) who work there are passionately for a sexual-violence-free society.
It is so crutial to remember that you deserve life and respect from every single person in this world.
I do truly believe you can find someone to love you respectfully. Perhaps begin by thinking of yourself as a strong survivor, instead of a victim.
Hi,
I'm also a rape victim. I've was raped by my step father,my therapist, a teacher, then I have been violated by a stranger in an alley, and date raped four times. I don't have much of sex life or life at all. I relive these moments over and over again. I'm not sure if it's just me but now anytime I'm touched it feels like abuse
The fourth relationship I am currently in. I was upfront with him about everything. He quizzed me to no end, and almost broke up with me. He did some name calling, and then made me second guess myself. Could I have gotten messed up enough over a date rape drug to be promiscuous with a man? Could I go against every fiber of my being and beliefs and do that? As if that wasn't bad enough after several months of dating he chooses to bring it up again tonight. He says I lied to him about it because he tried to find a police report on it and couldn't find one. Now he says I am a liar! I am so hurt. I have always prided myself on my honesty, and I have been dubbed loyal to a fault by all my friends. He retracted to say that he believes that it may have happened but I have to prove it with police reports and hospital records. I have copies of the hospital records in a box somewhere with the rest of my packed up items. (everything is in boxes). He proceeded to tell me that we are through if I cannot provide the proof. He went so far as to start removing all my items from the house and tell me that we are through until I can produce all records. Even though I contacted my ex mother in law (whom I still keep a relationship with for my daughters sake) and a great friend who both stated facts I had told them both about after it and he said he didn't care and that wasn't any sort of proof. He asked me if I would stake our relationship on my being able to provide proof of the incident via records. I said I could because I know the records are there, but with the holiday weekend I may not be able to get them til Tuesday. Why is this an issue now? Why was it an issue at all? I know his ex wife was a liar and a bit on the far side, but why do I get doubted when I have been so utterly honest and truthful? My friend I spoke with earlier tonight said that rape is sealed like a health record and that it is not public knowledge. I have looked online and couldn't find anything about that. I will get all records to him Tuesday at the latest, but now I feel like he is untrustworthy. Am I crazy? He is making me doubt that I even spoke with a real cop. He had a badge and uniform. I know I was there and I have paperwork, but now I feel like I am losing my mind. Doesn't he understand that he is making a bad situation I am trying to move on from worse than it was to begin with? I feel so nauseous and just want to crawl under a rock right now. I am not usually like this, but normally an upbeat chipper gal with a positive outlook. Normally he is loving and supportive, but tonight he was anything but...What do I do? I am so confused. Of coarse there is always more then what meets the eye stress wise in both our lives as with everyone Else's in the world, I am just hoping to get some sound advice or words of encouragement to help me. I am sorry for being so long and disorderly. I wish I had a therapist on speed dial I could call anytime but I don't so your it. Please help.
Hi,
I know exactly what you've been through, because I've been through the same. I know what it feels like to have been raped, to try and overcome it, and then to have partners dump you because of it. It feels like there is no end to the hurt it might cause you. But don't lose hope. We are strong women and will get through it. Men, such as the losers we've encountered, will never understand our worth because we're way beyond their imagination. They're filth that for some reason got attached to us, but we just have to try and clean ourselves up and move on.
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