Sunday, February 26, 2006

Confused... Just Keep Writing...

I just read over all of my previous posts and am pretty shocked at how sad and defeated I sound. I'm sorry, but that's how I feel when it comes to my rape. No one even really knows about it. It's a secret. It's as if I am two people wrapped in one disconnected and lost little body.

I am a rape survivor. And then I am me...

I think I just realized what my problem is...

I am keeping my experience totally and completely separate from the rest of who I am.

I have been totally and completely disconnected from that part of my life for so long. Everything is hitting me so much harder now because it's had so much time to grow inside of me. The bigger I feel it get inside, the faster and deeper I push it away. But now it's just way too big and I'm way too old to push it away anymore. I have to figure out how to just be okay with me again.

I mean, I am okay with me, aren't I? I am starting to be okay with me, I think. I have shut out so many friends for so long and am just now beginning to let them back into my life. Even their friendship, though, I am doubting for some reason. And this is not like me. It's not like me to doubt my dearest girlfriends, my brother, my family. It's not like me to snap at strangers and be uncomfortable in social settings. I used to be the life of the party - the party and vacation coordinator, the one who made everyone laugh, the one who always was the first to arrive at a party and the last to leave, the one who made friends everywhere I went, the one who hated to be alone.

And now I see myself hiding more and running further away from who I used to be. Why am I doing this? Why am I scared to be myself? Why am I always living in fear and doubt? When will I feel safe in my own skin again? If this is the only thing I desperately wish for, then why can't I just do it????

I think the rambling on this blog site might be helping me to not feel so crazy, especially since I have found other sites of survivors writing of the same angers, pains, confusions, guilts... We, rape survivors, are NOT crazy. We are courageous. And lucky for surviving. Our rapist could have just killed us after he got what he wanted, but he didn't.

So I am alive, he got away with it, and now what?

Now what do I do?

Do I just say, "Okay. I was raped. Time to move on," and then I just move on? Okay - Let me try that...


I will let this be my mantra for the next few days. Okay. I was raped. Time to move on. Okay. I was raped. Time to move on.

But I need help with how I move on from this. I am moving forward with the rest of my life, which is going pretty well, but my rape has effected parts of me I don't even know yet. That is where the nightmares and triggered reactions come in. I have to start keeping a log of these things. I guess that is exactly why I started this stupid blog.

Even this lame-ass blog site is a secret. I wish I could share this with my friends and others I care about, but I am afraid I can't. At least not yet. My rape is mine - I have to fight with it, talk to it, deal with it, accept it, hate it, whatever... whatever I have to do with my rape, I have to do it alone because it is my rape. It is no one's but mine.

Until I confront my rapist, I am afraid this blog site will be a secret. Except to you, dear reader.


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