Falling Apart

I just called my aunt to clarify what she meant by saying my rape isn't as big of a deal as the way my dad was. She clarified: I think that just reinforced everything for you. It was like your rape was the exclamation mark of everything else about what you thought & felt about the world. Like it took away the last bit of self-value you had because of how your dad was.

I just hung up on her.

I don't see the point of any of it anymore. Living is just so hard. I'm not going to end my life or anything - just need to let you know the truth about what rape can do to a woman. This is how everything makes me feel. This is how emotionless and dry and cold and empty I feel. I am not a person. I am not even human. I am not a part of this world. I do not belong. My dad wasn't shy of pointing out everything that was wrong with me. He had no problem at all telling me I was lying or making a mistake. Even when I told the truth, he believed all of the lies. After his drunken rampages, he pretended like nothing happened. "Where do you want to go to dinner?" he would ask as if nothing happened. "I'll buy my daughter dinner tonight, whatever she wants." The silent treatment was the only answer he got from me.

I am dirty and wrong. That is the story of my life. That has always been the story of my life. Just like my dad always pretended like nothing happened, so will I. Nothing happened. I wasn't raped. I was wrong.

I am, after all, my father's daughter. I learn from the best.

Fuck it all. And fuck you for not being able to erase this.

More nightmares last night. I was always going up and down a hill for some reason. As soon as I reached the top - struggling with every ounce of my being - I slid back down it somehow. I don't know why I had to get to the top of this hill or if anyone was with me or even what the fuck was going on in the rest of my dream, but that is what I remember over and over again... anytime I finally reached the top and looked down at what I had struggled so hard to accomplish, I somehow, magically, started to slide down again. And I couldn't even do anything to stop the downslide because I was too tired from struggling on the way up.

Just like I became too tired to fight my rapist all night. I was too tired and I let him rape me. I let him take the last crumb of my being away from me. I should have fought harder. I should have fought harder. Dammit - I should have fought harder. I should have stopped him. Just like I used to always stop my dad from going after my mom.

I am dirty and wrong. Nothing happened. I am my father's daughter.

Fuck off.

Do not judge me for how I feel.

I can feel you judging me.

So go ahead, then. Judge me. See if I give a fuck.

Judge me all you want. You're opinions are of no value to me. Just like I am of no value to myself.

So fuck off. Let me sleep tonight.

Dear God,
Please let me sleep tonight.