It's All Bullshit
Couldn't sleep again last night - yeah... that's weird, isn't it? I woke up every hour drenched in sweat. Had to leave my tv on again. My eyes are burning from the kind of weekend I have had.
This is all bullshit, I think. What the fuck is the point of telling you all of this? It's not like you even know who I am. It's not like you can help me feel any better about things. I almost regret every starting this stupid ass blog... All it's doing is making all of these horrible things resurface and knock me out.
My aunt said something that pissed me off. She said she believes that my rape isn't as big of a deal as the way my dad was with me - all of the drinking and hitting. I used to provoke him so he would go after me instead of my mother. And when he did start to shake my mom around like a rag doll, I would start punching him in the arm as hard as I could so he would go after me instead. And he did. I didn't want her to hurt anymore than she had to. I was younger and stronger. So I took it every chance I could, just to save her.
But I don't feel so strong anymore. My heart is so tired and just dragging underground somewhere. I am not going through with the hypnotherapy anymore - just sticking to the psychologist. But I am still waiting for an opening. I don't even want to go talk to him anymore.
What good is talking about the past going to do for anyone? It's just going to make me remember things I do not want to remember. There is one memory in particular that I can't get out of my head from when I was really young. I am even terrified to tell you, a complete stranger, whoever you are.
Fuck you if you are judging me for running away or being too weak to talk about the hard stuff. If I don't talk about, I can't remember it. If I don't remember it, then it didn't happen.
So fuck all of this. It's all worthless. Maybe I'll write again. Maybe I won't. I don't know. So this is my life. But I don't want it anymore.
How do you possibly live a happy life when you are too tired to breathe anymore? How do you get to the next day if you can't even get through the night without being so scared?
I don't think I have ever felt this totally and completely alone and helpless. This is just my truth. So fuck you for judging me if I am just having a bad day. I am entitled to have a bad day.
That is my right.
I want my dearest girlfriends to read this blog, but I know they will be SO shocked and horrified at how things have really been. And then there will be the questions and the nonstop worry. I get that - they love me - but I can't deal with it.
I met someone 18 months ago. We live in different towns and rarely see each other anymore. I don't see the point of staying in contact if he & I are dating other people, but he doesn't want to stop talking/hanging out. He is the one who introduced me to this whole blogging business. He asked for the address to this blog last week. I told him I couldn't give it to him just yet... that it was about my rape. He responded the next day with how horrible & sorry he was for what happened - that I never told him about it - and to let him know whenever I'm ready. I never want to talk to him or see him again. I don't know why this is - I care very much for him... and this confuses me even more. It's not real - I am just vulnerable. There are better girls out there for him. Girls that are more 'normal' (whatever that means), girls that have less baggage, girls that don't have nightmares every night, girls that aren't scared of strangers, girls that aren't stained... like me.
I don't know how I got here - so confused and fucked up. So damn twisted with my emotions and thoughts. So this way and then the exact opposite from one second to the next. So sad now, so happy later.
I am fucked up.
I don't know how to get back to my old self.
I am beginning to feel like she isn't there anymore.
I am someone I don't want to be.
And fuck you if you are going to tell me I have to choose to be happy or some bullshit cliche like that.
It's all bullshit.
Now... back to work, cracking jokes and telling stories and laughing all of the time. Back to pretending like I'm someone I'm not.
Sweet.
This is all bullshit, I think. What the fuck is the point of telling you all of this? It's not like you even know who I am. It's not like you can help me feel any better about things. I almost regret every starting this stupid ass blog... All it's doing is making all of these horrible things resurface and knock me out.
My aunt said something that pissed me off. She said she believes that my rape isn't as big of a deal as the way my dad was with me - all of the drinking and hitting. I used to provoke him so he would go after me instead of my mother. And when he did start to shake my mom around like a rag doll, I would start punching him in the arm as hard as I could so he would go after me instead. And he did. I didn't want her to hurt anymore than she had to. I was younger and stronger. So I took it every chance I could, just to save her.
But I don't feel so strong anymore. My heart is so tired and just dragging underground somewhere. I am not going through with the hypnotherapy anymore - just sticking to the psychologist. But I am still waiting for an opening. I don't even want to go talk to him anymore.
What good is talking about the past going to do for anyone? It's just going to make me remember things I do not want to remember. There is one memory in particular that I can't get out of my head from when I was really young. I am even terrified to tell you, a complete stranger, whoever you are.
Fuck you if you are judging me for running away or being too weak to talk about the hard stuff. If I don't talk about, I can't remember it. If I don't remember it, then it didn't happen.
So fuck all of this. It's all worthless. Maybe I'll write again. Maybe I won't. I don't know. So this is my life. But I don't want it anymore.
How do you possibly live a happy life when you are too tired to breathe anymore? How do you get to the next day if you can't even get through the night without being so scared?
I don't think I have ever felt this totally and completely alone and helpless. This is just my truth. So fuck you for judging me if I am just having a bad day. I am entitled to have a bad day.
That is my right.
I want my dearest girlfriends to read this blog, but I know they will be SO shocked and horrified at how things have really been. And then there will be the questions and the nonstop worry. I get that - they love me - but I can't deal with it.
I met someone 18 months ago. We live in different towns and rarely see each other anymore. I don't see the point of staying in contact if he & I are dating other people, but he doesn't want to stop talking/hanging out. He is the one who introduced me to this whole blogging business. He asked for the address to this blog last week. I told him I couldn't give it to him just yet... that it was about my rape. He responded the next day with how horrible & sorry he was for what happened - that I never told him about it - and to let him know whenever I'm ready. I never want to talk to him or see him again. I don't know why this is - I care very much for him... and this confuses me even more. It's not real - I am just vulnerable. There are better girls out there for him. Girls that are more 'normal' (whatever that means), girls that have less baggage, girls that don't have nightmares every night, girls that aren't scared of strangers, girls that aren't stained... like me.
I don't know how I got here - so confused and fucked up. So damn twisted with my emotions and thoughts. So this way and then the exact opposite from one second to the next. So sad now, so happy later.
I am fucked up.
I don't know how to get back to my old self.
I am beginning to feel like she isn't there anymore.
I am someone I don't want to be.
And fuck you if you are going to tell me I have to choose to be happy or some bullshit cliche like that.
It's all bullshit.
Now... back to work, cracking jokes and telling stories and laughing all of the time. Back to pretending like I'm someone I'm not.
Sweet.
posted by The Missing Link at 3/06/2006 03:05:00 PM
3 Comments:
your right. It is all bullshit. and your right about all the bullshit people say on how to get better, because you wont. If it helps there is a way for you. It means let it go. you cannot undo what has already been done, so fuck it instead. You feel bad because you expect something good from the world and its never come or ever will. stop waiting. UK x
If its all bullshit then let apathy take over and laugh in the face of all the bullshit and realize you are also bullshit....so laugh at yourself and know that this is not the true reality and therefore your memories in this bullshit reality is bullshit.
was just cruisin the net, just a punkass kid, but it sounds to me like the guy you met is willing to face w/e it is ur not telling him, it would be nice if u talked to him about it...if he cant like someone with "so much baggage" then he aint worth shit anyway lol, im bout 18 and ive fallen so far into apathy right now, i feel like im destroying my own spirit. i can feel it getting thinner and thinner. please, dont go there, more pain and suffering than you could imagine. your not sure if u SHOULD or should NOT exist. FUCK apathy. also it sounds alot like your ashamed, thats why you feel its baggage, its hard for me to tell you this, but dont look at it as one of your faults. look at it as "im human, and shit happens. even bad shit" cos whether in MY situation i become pure evil or a great person. i will always feel im lost. you still have a chance.
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