DAMN IT... Lost It Again

I got drunk by myself Friday night. I didn't think I had that much to drink, but I actually kept on drinking as soon as all of these memories started to zip around inside of me like a tornado.

I only had a few beers, then decided to get to bed - just slightly buzzed. I was fine. And then I just started to cry so hard. So, so hard. I haven't cried like that since I had my breakdown on Christmas Eve. My guts were being twisted and tightened as they squeezed every single heavy tear out of me. I was suddenly a mess again.

I remembered when I had to secretly make arrangements for an abortion because I was almost a month late with my period. I hated him even more - I was deathly afraid I had his baby inside of me. So he raped me and took everything away from me, but left me with his child? What a fucker. I wanted to kill him now more than ever. And then I would kill myself.

I was crying so hard. I wasn't just remembering everything again. I was feeling it. I was feeling his hands on me, his lips, his body. I heard myself telling him, "I don't want to. I just want to go to sleep. Please, just let me go to sleep."

"I'm not like that," he kept telling me. "I'm not one of those guys. I'm not like that," he just kept repeating over and over. His touch grew increasingly firm. His lips were rough. His body was heavy and so definitive. He unbuttoned my pants. I moved his hand away. He reached again. I moved it away again. And then, in one grand swoop, he pulled them off. He was twice my size. I couldn't fight anymore. I was so small, breaking under his large frame.

I am so tired right now just thinking about it. Why do I keep thinking about it? Why can't I just let it go and move on? I don't know. I can't understand why these memories just rush to the front of my mind sometimes. I see and hear things I haven't heard or thought about in so long.

Maybe that is why. I haven't ever wanted to think or feel them before that they are now too large to hide from.

I grabbed a few more beers and just continued to drink, crying desperately the entire time. The memories were hitting me so hard, beating me up, suffocating me. I kept drinking to numb it. But they were stronger now than they used to be. I was buckling under the pressure. I lost it.

I started to post every memory here that night. I was drunk, crying so hard, and just started to write everything down. Even the things I never thought I'd be able to ever talk or write about. I couldn't even see this computer screen because I was crying so fucking hard.

And then, somehow, everything I wrote got erased. I don't know what I did - if I deleted it accidentally or intentionally - but it's all gone now.

I spent all day yesterday just recovering from the night before. I woke up feeling like I just got run over again. I could barely move. I didn't even get out of bed until 4 pm.

I don't know what is wrong with me. I don't know what is happening inside of me. I know things will get better and my rape won't always hit me so hard, but my heart just doesn't feel that way.

My heart just doesn't feel much of anything anymore.

I am so damn exhausted... More than that, I am so fucking tired of being so tired...

Everything is a process. But fuck this process. I want to kill him. I know where he lives.