Monday, February 27, 2006

Rain Rain Go Away

It's been raining all day today. Supposed to continue through the day tomorrow... or some shit like that. Work was crazy busy, as usual. Another nonstop 9.5 hour day. I finally drove myself out of the office, so exhausted, and just sat in my car forever after I got home. I was watching the rain fall down. It was hard, definitive and angry... yet soothing, comforting and clean. I was watching it slowly cover my windshield, each rain drop rapidly melting with its neighbors to form a sleek puddle pouring down.

I started to cry. These are my tears, too, I thought to the world. You are crying just like me, unable to stop once you start.

Nightmares again last night. They were strange and heavy. In the first one, I was on a journey with someone close to me just walking happily in the summer weather to get from here to there. We were so happy, sure, confident, whole, just trotting around making the most of the day. I think we were maybe headed to do some shopping or something, just girl stuff. And then, the longer we enjoyed our walk to get to wherever we were headed, the more we realized we were not alone. And we were lost. We saw three really fishy guys. I was nervous to talk to them, but we needed directions. They were approaching us in a triangle, one man in front and two behind him. They had an unfriendly and scary looking mid-sized dog. The men were really strange. I immediately had a funny feeling, but I asked for directions anyway...

They directed us this way and that. We were skeptical, but took their advice, especially since we hadn't seen anyone for hours. These guys were our best shot to get home (or wherever we were going) before dark. And it was going to be getting dark soon. I was getting scared.

And then, as we followed their directions, the landscaping changed. Suddenly, we were in an orchard or something. Trees all around, like a maze. It was almost as if these strange men directed us in this maze purposely - they wanted us to be lost. I was beginning to panic, but couldn't show it to my friend. If I panicked, then I knew she would panic, too. And that would not help us get out alive at this point.

As we rounded a corner, we were greeted by three large, gnarly, hungry looking dogs. One was black, one was brown and I don't remember what the other one looked like - I think it was white, but really dirty. They had a hungry look in their eyes and they were slowly beginning to show their teeth & growl at us. Being attacked by a guard dog in real life (he took out a chunk of my left side) I remembered that age old truth that animals can sense fear. "If you don't act scared," I told myself and my friend, "then they won't know that we're scared. Just pretend like they don't scare us."

We turned around to find an open field. I was grateful, but still confused with where to go once we walked through this open field since there were trees everywhere... trees as far as our eyes could see. So we turned around and started to walk away from this angry pack of dogs. They started to follow us. And then they started to jump up real high all around us, jumping as high as our heads, kind of circling us as we continued to walk... they were preparing to attack.

I woke up in a panic and drenched in sweat. It was 1:30 am. I turned on the tv for light and tried to go back to sleep.

And then another strange dream. I don't really remember this one that well, but I was alone and had to go to some kind of jail or something. The setting was the back parking lot of my old high school. I don't remember why I had to go to this jail or delinquent institution, but I remember it was a mistake. I remember that I wasn't supposed to be there, but I had to make this initial trip to clear up the situation or something. Like I had to make this trip to prove that I didn't belong there. Everyone was really strange. I was real weary of who I talked to and what I said. And I observed everyone real close, knowing that I wasn't one of them, but questioning if I really did belong there and just didn't know it yet.

My body was so heavy when I woke up this morning for work. I don't remember hearing my 4:30 am alarm go off. I just remember waking up and wishing it wasn't Monday and praying today was going to be okay.

3 Comments:

Blogger Diane said...

Blessed you be, Sister and may your Healing make you whole again.

You have been made a victim, against your will and that's what hurting you most. You said you felt like he took the most important part of you with him and left your body, the expandable part on the ground.

I understand the feeling, believe me. But it is just an impression. That most important part of you has not been taken, but is hiding like a scared child in a dark basement alone, ashamed and miserable. You absolutely need to go down to that scared little child and take her in your arms and tell her you love her. Tell her it's not her fault and that you'll always be there for her. She needs you right now, maybe it's the most important thing you need to do.

I know you feel like you've betrayed that little child but you didn't: we are vulnerable to dangers we cannot control. We can only control our reactions to what happens to us.

One way of doing this is to write: write her a letter. Go slowly at first, tell her how sorry you are, whatever you feel like writing.

But you can't just wish it away: you have to do something and only you can do it. Heal that wound...

After this healing process takes place, you will become stronger and you need to be you know? Life is good but we don't know what can happen in the future, and you need to be there for yourself and your inner child's happiness.

This is how I dealt with the horrible things in my life because I NEVER wanted to be a victim again. In identifying as a victim, I was attracting the torturer types: that is a universal law. We always attract our opposites.

I hope my few words find a way in your heart and help you get back on the road to happiness and may the light shine in your life again!

Today, I am a victim no more.

2/27/2006 10:02 PM  
Blogger The Missing Link said...

Oh dear... what an assignment! But it is something I have considered for quite some time - I do constantly feel like I am two different people, the more important of the two being the one I am so ashamed to admit my life to.

I will write this letter. This is my promise to you. Please revisit to read it... thanks for the healthy reminder. And your incredible, soothing words spoken from your heart...

3/01/2006 9:33 PM  
Blogger Diane said...

I'm humbled if my words have helped you. I have found goodness in life throughout my worst ordeals, I have found people with good hearts and caring souls and this is what I want to remember and share: the beauty of life.

Maybe, in turn, when you are whole again, you will be able to help someone who will need your love.

Writing, drawing and painting are also very good ways to your inner child.

If you don't mind, I will place your link in my blog. I'm a fine art painter from Montreal. You can visit my blogs, and leave comments if you wish. (Actually, I have two: one is for pictures and the other is kind of an online journal).

But take all the time you need to write your contact letter, and if you feel you want to publish it online, do it. If not, it's okay: this is very intimate. I'm sending my best thoughts out to you.

Starting a scrapbook on your relationship with your inner child is something totally fun, which helps one heal and creates a strong bond with your inner Self. Whatever, that relationship starts at birth and who knows when it stops!

Have a great day!

3/01/2006 11:44 PM  

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