How Do I...

accept my rape? accept what is my life? accept that this is a part of who I am - and it always will be? Why am I fighting the truth so hard?

I have always been in some kind of fight my entire life. I am always fighting. I was always fighting with my parents - my dad's dark whiskey and heavy hand every night, my mom's angry words and just-as-heavy hands during the days. My brother because I secretly hated him for leaving me there all alone. I had to fight my rapist. I had to fight the lies my dad was hearing about who I was with and where I was - who the fuck were these people anyway? I had to fight the stories that weren't true. I had to fight the eyes all around campus that whispered as I passed by. I had to fight an ex-boyfriend who was so disgusted that he couldn't even touch me anymore - The Hand Dropper from a post below - the one who told his friends and family about my rape... and then lied to my face when I confronted him about it... more people to fight. I had to fight another ex who wouldn't let me slow down with the sex when I needed to - The Questions Fanatic from the same post as Hand Dropper. I had to fight my cousin when SHE spread rumors about my rape and cocaine use to the rest of my family - and then had me kicked out of the house. She disgusts me - she made me fight more people - members of my own family.

I have always been fighting with someone, somewhere. I am so tired of fighting.

I am way too young to feel this old.

I am afraid I am losing the strength for the most important fight of my life - this horrible, scary, nightmare-filled, burning-eyes, dragging-heart, stained-skin fight I am in right now - the fight for my life.

I am on hold.

I need you to tell me what to do. I need the world to tell me what to do. I need answers.

But there are too many questions. I just need to keep fighting. I have to keep fighting.

But I am so tired of always fighting for something that I shouldn't have to fight for in the first place - my survival.

I have to fight for my life. No matter how badly my rapist wants to take it away from me, I can't let him. I can't let him win again.

But I am so tired of fighting. I can't do it anymore.

I just need to rest.

That is all.

Please, just let me rest.

Please, God, let me wake up from my nightmare.

This is YOUR nightmare. NOT MINE. I didn't ask for this. I don't want it.

Please, just let me rest. Let my nightmare rest.

You gave me this life.

Now you have to help me to live it.

I am too tired to do it alone. I am too beaten and bruised and scared and drained to do it alone anymore. You have to help me.

You have to help me breathe again. This is the life you gave me. It is your responsibility to help me live it.