Losing It Again - FUCK
Just woke up to start another long work day & immediately started crying... even before lifting my head off of my pillow. I am crying now. But I have to stop. I have to pull myself together and finish getting dressed for work... And then I can pretend like nothing's wrong with me and everything is just fine. Work becomes a struggle in itself on days like this - I work with all men. I work at a construction company. Ironic, isn't it? Being the only female surrounded by at least 50 men all day long? Life really has her ways of... well... she just has her fucked up ways sometimes.
I don't know what's wrong. I am so alone and so tired. That is all. Just so alone and so tired and there is no one here to help me. I am a broken record. Who would want to be with me anyway? Who would want to even put up with all of my ups and downs? Who would want to deal with my roller-coasting emotions, my sleepless nights jam-packed w/nightmares, my paranoia, my fear, my horrible memories, my pain, my guilt, my confusion, my dirty, scared little body? Who would even want to be with a mess like me? No one... I am not beating myself up here - just telling you the truth.
This is my truth - anytime I have tried desperately to give someone the benefit of the doubt, it bites me in the ass - and then I regret never listening to my gut instinct because I tell myself, "You're just being weird. Let him in. Trust him. He won't hurt you like the rest." But they all do - spreading lies, not understanding, telling their friends & family about my rape, not wanting to touch me after they know the truth.
I really don't ever see myself being able to wake up to someone and whole-heartedly feeling like I can be myself. I don't see that as a possibility - even down the road if things get better. I don't see it getting any easier... and I just keep getting older and more scared and more alone.
My first kiss was my rapist shoving his tongue down my throat.
I can't get that taste out of my mouth.
Who would dare attempt to put up with this mess?? No one... No one is here. No one has ever wanted to stay when they find out what my life is really like. No one has ever wanted anything to do with me after they know the truth.
This isn't how it's supposed to be, is it? This isn't what my life is supposed to be like. So scared, so alone, so drained, so empty, so lost.
This isn't how it's supposed to be. I don't know how to change it.
I'm afraid this will never change.
I have to pull myself together for work. Another long day surrounded by the enemy.
I hate this. I don't know what to do.
Just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
My first kiss was his tongue shoved down my throat.
I just want to go back to sleep... but then there would be nightmares again. And the days are so hard.
I am screwed.
Please God,
Just make this go away. I beg you, just let it rest so I can rest. I am afraid I can't do this much longer... I am rapidly losing hope.
I don't know what's wrong. I am so alone and so tired. That is all. Just so alone and so tired and there is no one here to help me. I am a broken record. Who would want to be with me anyway? Who would want to even put up with all of my ups and downs? Who would want to deal with my roller-coasting emotions, my sleepless nights jam-packed w/nightmares, my paranoia, my fear, my horrible memories, my pain, my guilt, my confusion, my dirty, scared little body? Who would even want to be with a mess like me? No one... I am not beating myself up here - just telling you the truth.
This is my truth - anytime I have tried desperately to give someone the benefit of the doubt, it bites me in the ass - and then I regret never listening to my gut instinct because I tell myself, "You're just being weird. Let him in. Trust him. He won't hurt you like the rest." But they all do - spreading lies, not understanding, telling their friends & family about my rape, not wanting to touch me after they know the truth.
I really don't ever see myself being able to wake up to someone and whole-heartedly feeling like I can be myself. I don't see that as a possibility - even down the road if things get better. I don't see it getting any easier... and I just keep getting older and more scared and more alone.
My first kiss was my rapist shoving his tongue down my throat.
I can't get that taste out of my mouth.
Who would dare attempt to put up with this mess?? No one... No one is here. No one has ever wanted to stay when they find out what my life is really like. No one has ever wanted anything to do with me after they know the truth.
This isn't how it's supposed to be, is it? This isn't what my life is supposed to be like. So scared, so alone, so drained, so empty, so lost.
This isn't how it's supposed to be. I don't know how to change it.
I'm afraid this will never change.
I have to pull myself together for work. Another long day surrounded by the enemy.
I hate this. I don't know what to do.
Just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
My first kiss was his tongue shoved down my throat.
I just want to go back to sleep... but then there would be nightmares again. And the days are so hard.
I am screwed.
Please God,
Just make this go away. I beg you, just let it rest so I can rest. I am afraid I can't do this much longer... I am rapidly losing hope.
posted by The Missing Link at 3/10/2006 06:41:00 AM
6 Comments:
I feel so sorry for you. Please don't let that person win by making you lose hope or confidence in yourself.
I was sexually harassed for 6 months in my ex-workplace - with the threat of rape hanging over my head. I received no help and I know what you mean about the nightmares.
I have still not received justice and I cannot cope in the workplace in any job. I am hoping to try and change that but it is difficult. Like you, I have good days and bad days. I also don't know whom to trust as my ex-employer went out into the community in order to discredit me.
I have felt so alone because of all this and I still do although I am married with a family.
My husband lives in constant denial of what I am going through day by day.
Tonight, I am thinking again of how much I have lost because of what happened to me. I feel like I have no future ahead of me.
I hope the perpetrator of your rape is punished and you can then get back on with your life.
Sadly, I know all too well what you are feeling. I felt sick reading your post, memories flooding back, threatening to choke me.
I always blame my self. Even though I know it wasn't my fault. I always think, that if I had been stronger, only if I had been stronger, then it wouldn't have happened.
I lost all my friends; they didn't believe me. And then, my best guy friend....two years later, tried the same thing...he had handcuffs, I guess he thought I was a kinky one...he never did believe me.
I couldn't even be around my own father without being afraid. He still doesn't know yet. I'm so ashamed.
It's like you want some one to place a strong hand on your shoulder, to reassure you that you are safe. But, the thought of some one touching you makes you cringe. Tainted skin tainted flesh.
In a way, you've helped me. Knowing that there are others out there that are suffering, like me, makes it easier to stand against the fear that threatens to destroy me.
Is it wrong to wish for retribution? For my life back, that which was stolen at such a young age?
I believe we are strong, being able to live on day by day, we defy our weakness and refuse to give in.
For the longest time, I didn't tell anyone about what happened.
Now, a couple of my friends who do know keep pointing out all of the "unhealthy" things I'm doing to deal with it.
I went to the police about my rape, but I never heard back from them, and I'm too much of a coward I guess to pursue it further.
It's my word against his, who would believe me?
I understand about the nightmares, you want to sleep but you can't really, no matter what kind of drugs the doctor gives you.
I'm sorry that this happened to you, but it's reassuring to know that someone else with similar experiences had similar reactions. So now whenever anyone tells me what a dysfunctional bitch I am, I can politely tell them with confidence to shove it up their ass.
am sorry what you have to go threw am a guy and i was raped by one of my skool techers i have never told anyone about it but reading your story opened my mind and brought back some bad memorys.after all of this i did not talk to anyone not my mother or father i started to do drugs to block out everything i did so much i over dosed and allmost died when i woke i left the hospital to this day i have nightmares about it.So men get hurt to.
I feel your pain. I hate that that happened to me, I told my two best friends, and they didn't believe me.
I thought I would feel better after I told them, but I didn't.
They don't believe me, and it kills me inside everyday. It's a horrible feeling, your friends not believing you about that.
I feel like puking everytime I think about it.
I don't know what I can do to feel better about it...
I am so sorry this happened to u I feel the same way no one believes me itsso hard trying to get on with life when people call u a liar and judge u ivetried counselling and it dident work and I dnt no wat to do anymre
Post a Comment
<< Home