Friday, March 17, 2006

Doubting Everyone

I'm feeling about as fucked up as a girl can feel these days. Don't know what's going on. Just feel like it keeps happening over and over every night. It's been a really rough week. I have been testing everyone in my life lately - wondering what they want from me. Needing to know who I can trust and who I just want to shut the door on... Just when I think I can't possible feel any more crazy than I already do, I surprise myself...

Text Messages to Friend, Male - 03/14/06, 7:30 pm

ME: You should - your blog. Doing that with mine.
HIM: How do you do it?
ME: Unsure, figuring it out still.
HIM: Let me know if you find out for sure. How are you?
ME: Not good.
HIM: Why?
ME: You know what my blog's about.
HIM: Well, yeah.
ME: I mean I'm just struggling again...
HIM: Oh, I see. I'm really sorry. So you're whole blog is about that?
ME: Pretty much. & lots of other fucked up shit that's happened that would trip you out.
HIM: Damn. Well, sorry. Is it up yet?
ME: My site? Yeah, been posting for weeks.
HIM: Can you send me the address?
ME: You'll freak out with what you'll read. Trust me. It's not good stuff. I'm still struggling with all of it. You may never want to talk to me again...
HIM: Well, if you don't want me to read it, I understand.
ME: Don't know what I want or who I can trust - the memories are that bad right now. But also don't want to lie to you about what my life's really all about. Just need time...
HIM: Yeah, that's fine. Take the time you need. It's probably good for you to write about it.

03/15/05 - 8:50 pm

ME: Didn't mean to be short with you last night re: sending my site link. Just really confused about lots of things and people in my life right now.
HIM: It's all good. I understand. I'm kind of similar myself. I often wonder what I'm doing exactly.
ME: Yeah, mix that with the flashbacks & nightly nightmares & I am about as fucked up as a girl can get these days. Seriously want to kill him.
HIM: That's fucked up. Sorry.
HIM: When was it?
ME: My birthday... a while ago.
HIM: Damn. Who was it?
ME: Teammate of best friend's boyfriend.
HIM: I'm sorry. That's shitty.

03/16/06 - 7:02 pm

ME: Will send the - info if I figure it out but don't think I want to stay in touch anymore. Haven't really seen the point for a while... just being 100% honest.
HIM: Alright. Send it if you can. Yeah. I understand. It's probably for the best I guess. Hope things go better for you and definitely keep writing.
ME: Don't know if it's for the best, just really confused about what you want from me... and bailing is easiest right? Think it sucks but okay if you think it's for the best.
HIM: Well, I don't even know what I want from myself. I don't want to bail but I can't really provide much of anything. I'm not even a good friend right now.
ME: I'm in the same place with my life and what I can give. This is what rape does - makes you fear everything and everyone. I don't want to bail either, guess I'm just really lost.
HIM: Yeah, well I don't want you to fear me. I don't know what to say.

Nothing makes any sense to me. It seems that whenever I try to understand a situation better, I end up being more confused and drained than I was when I started. Why is everything and everyone so fucking gray and hard to read? Why is everything so blurry? Why do I have this desperate need to figure everything out? What is going on with me? I feel so damn crazy these days. This isn't who I normally am. I don't know where my head and my heart are anymore. Everything is so disconnected inside of me. Everything is malfunctioning. I don't work right anymore. I go through the day-to-day motions but nothing is processing. Nothing at all.

I'm sure this guy, and the rest of my friends, think I am absolutely crazy these days. No one can understand why I get into these weird places - I can't understand HOW I get here. I can't understand why I STILL can't trust ANYONE. I even doubt my own brother half of the time. I think everyone is lying to me, only out to use me to further themselves. Everyone is just using me as a stepping stone to better themselves and their lives.

What a twisted, twisted, fucked up way to live.

Except that I have never known any other life.

I am totally and completely fucked up.

I can feel it deep inside.

The fucked up part. It is a twisted, rotten, dirty mass that is buried deep inside of me. It has been buried there for so long that it has become a part of me. It is growing inside of me. It is growing with my insides. This is why I am malfunctioning. It has grown in the way of who I used to be - an attractive, funny, alive, smart, spunky, witty, beautiful person. This rotten mass has become bigger than me.

I don't know what to do.

I am totally & completely lost.

I am blinded by this twisted, rotten, dirty mass.

It has suffocated my heart.

It is resting on the replay button of my worst and most painful memories.

I am rapidly losing hope.


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