Just Weather the Storm

It's been another really strange weekend. Just feeling - and hating - the tornados that zip around inside of me. Their force makes my toughest memories earthquake to the surface of my dirty and stained skin. This skin that I don't just want to peel off of me, but grate it off. I want to slowly grate it off of my body into little bits and pieces and then open the window to let this pile of grated skin just blow away wherever the world wants to take it. Just let it blow over here and over there, spreading itself thin to different parts of the earth's surface, planting myself wherever the world thinks I need to be. Anywhere but here.

The weather has been pretty nuts lately. I don't live in a snowy area, but the newscasters (who never know as much as they claim) were predicting snow just up in the hills from where I live, which is the beach. I finally crawled out of bed yesterday afternoon and as I was brushing my teeth, I heard a tapping on my bathroom window. Like little nails tapping softly on the glass. I turned around and looked out... it was hailing. Tiny little balls of ice falling from the sky. Weird, I thought. I have never seen hail around here. And I've been living here since college.

I struggled to take a shower and get dressed, crying off and on because I can't seem to get clean anymore. I always feel dirty. No matter how long I stand in the shower and let the water just run over my aching and beaten body, I am still dirty. Sometimes, because I am thinking so much (a problem I can't seem to get rid of), I wash my hair twice or start to shave the same leg over again because I forgot I just did that. And then I scrub again. And again. And soap again. And then just once more. And then I rinse again and just stand there while I let the water slowly wash away my dad's bruises and my rapist's fingerprints.

I made myself look extra pretty yesterday. I normally put on eyeliner and mascara, but used some light eyeshadow yesterday, too. I was feeling particularly dirty and drained so I took extra care to look "normal." I looked good. I looked happy - "looked" being the operative word here. I generally look pretty normal, I guess. You would think I have an incredible life from just looking at me, I've been told. Whatever that means. One guy - who was interested in me at the start of college - told me that I was one of those girls that guys would notice walking on the other side of the street and would want to run over to get to know better. I just had that whatever it was, he said. I don't know what he meant, but it was nice to hear... especially since I met him just after three high school friends died in a drinking and driving accident and another childhood friend had just killed herself. This guy wanted to date, I guess, but when he called me once, I pretended like I didn't know who he was. That was the end of that.

Anyhow, I didn't have a plan of action yesterday or anything... I just needed to get the hell out of my stupid place. The weather was shitty, but I just needed to get in my car and drive somewhere. Driving always helps me think. Just listening to music and driving. I filled up my car with gas and headed south. It started to pour.

As I continued on my drive, I noticed even the weather was confused about how it felt. There were black clouds to my left, blue skies above, and patchy white cotton ball clouds to my right. The ocean was calm. And then ten minutes later, it grumbled with choppy waves and loud crashes against the rocks. I was confused. It would sprinkle lightly. Then it would downpour for a solid ten minutes. And then the sun was out to join the blue sky. The world was so undecided and roller-coasting with her own emotions that she couldn't make up her damn mind. I was getting frustrated with her carelessness for my safety and well-being.

But who was I to get frustrated? The world was entitled to feel however she wanted, right? I was just as confused and rocky as she was. I feel sunny glimpses of blue skies sometimes, too. But then I panic when I see dark clouds in the distance because I don't know how hard the rain will pour out of my eyes during my next storm. At least I had a car to keep me safe and warm during Mother Nature's storms, but what about these life storms that keep interrupting my days and nights? What will keep me safe and warm during these storms? How do I feel safe when I have always been in danger? How do I stay warm when my heart is so cold from standing all alone?

I kept driving and listening to music, just thinking about how to make all of this stop inside of me. Or is that my problem? Is it that I have to feel all of this once and for all? Is it that the world, that Mother Nature, is - literally - showing me her storms as a means of helping me get through mine? I don't know...

I drove for an hour and found a store to pull into. I started to look for frames for some photos from a dear friend's recent wedding and a Caribbean vacation I took a while ago. Looking at these photos again, while trying to match frames, was a nice distraction - a little reminder that my life won't always be this difficult and draining. That I will, hopefully, be looking for frames to match to MY wedding photos because there will eventually be someone who won't be freaked out by my difficult and painful past. More than that, there will be someone who will understand that my difficult and painful past can, unknowingly and unsuspectingly, creep into the present. And he will also know that when this happens, there is nothing that I need more from him than to just be there to keep me safe and warm when I wake up from my nightmares.

Today was the same thing... another long drive listening to music until I felt like stopping somewhere. Pulled into a few stores and spent unnecessary money. But fuck it - I haven't shopped in ages. I needed to spend a little something on myself. I needed to do something nice for myself because all I have been doing is letting my past beat me up.

I saw three rainbows on my drive today, too. I have never seen three in a row. I have a picture of two in a row on my fridge because even that I rarely see. But three? That was pretty nice. And then there were two more going in the opposite direction... when the hell does that happen? Five rainbows criss-crossing in the middle of all of these confusing storms? Very strange, but very beautiful. Very mysterious, but very calming. Very hidden-message from the world to me, I thought:

Even in the worst of storms, you will find your beauty. As long as you keep your eyes open, your head up and your foot on the gas, you WILL move forward.