Friday, March 17, 2006

God Is On Drugs

I have a dear girlfriend who is probably my most best and favorite girlfriend ever. We are very similar in a lot of ways. We have shared many ecstasy, coke-filled, drunken, trouble-making nights during (and since) our college days. But we have pretty much moved on from the hard stuff since then (although an occasional drug induced worry-free night does appeal to us here and there).

I remember when she moved away after college, we used to talk for hours about how fucked up Life can be... how she just hands us good days on a platter and then just - snap! - throws us in a dark hole and fucks us up. "Life really can be a bitch," we used to say. "She is really starting to piss us off. Why can't she just let things be sometimes?!" We have both been through so much in our lives and with our families that we just understand one another when either of us is feeling totally and completely lost and alone. There is no one else who can better understand how "the crazies in my head" (as I like to call it) operate better than she can.

During one of our many long-winded conversations, we somehow began talking about God and how the hell she decides what our lives are going to be like. We came to a conclusion: God does just as many drugs as we do. That is why the weather is always changing... just like our lives. God can't figure out our lives any better than we can. She fights with Life. She fights with Mother Nature. She fights with The World. Sometimes they all get along, sometimes they don't. When it snows, she's on coke. When it's perfect summer weather, God's on ecstasy. When the leaves turn that amazing fall color, God is on mushrooms. She trips on acid when there is thunder and lightening. And she smokes a bowls when the sun is setting.

I am struggling so hard these days that I need my girl now more than ever. I texted her to check in last weekend and when she asked how I was, I texted back that I am hanging on by a thread, everything is hitting me so hard again, and I don't know what to do anymore with any of this. And then I texted her again that I wanted to talk to her but nevermind because I will just sound like a broken record. This is our email contact:

Mon, 13 Mar 2006 - 11:57 am
Subject: hey
To: (The Missing Link)

hey there... how are you doing? i'm worried about you. what is bringing everything to the forefront again? don't ever feel like I've heard it all before, so you can't talk to me - I'm always here for an ear to listen.

Mon, 13 Mar 2006 - 12:34 pm
Subject: Re: hey

yeah... i know you're always there - who else would understand the crazies in my head?? i just get sick and tired of hearing myself talk about everything though, you know? it keeps happening every night - the rape - over and over again. the nightmares, the crying spells, the headaches, the nausea... it's all there again. this is the worst its ever been. its been bad before, but now, its like im remembering all of these things i haven't thought about it in years - even things about how bad my dad was w/his drunken rampages - meaning the hitting & how i would always get in the way when he would go after my mom so she would be safe & i would get it instead. things like when i was almost a month late w/my period after that fucked up night and how i had to secretly make arrangements for an abortion b/c i thought i was pregnant w/his fucking kid.

even just writing this email to you is making me cry but i cant because im at work. everything is so fucked up. I know it will get better, but its like... i dont know... its like now that im finally at that point in my life where i can focus on writing for publication, all of these "dirty little secrets" of my past are resurfacing... and hitting me so hard because its like the world is almost throwing it in my face and saying: LOOK - THIS IS YOUR LIFE. and i have to just accept it.

i dont know what to really do anymore w/any of this. all of this shit is really my life - that's all really hard to accept. and i cant imagine ever meeting someone that is going to be okay with all of this, you know? who would ever want to walk into all of this? who would ever want to be with such a fucked up crazy girl like me?? i dont know... everything is just so, so, so, confusing and super hard to digest - like each memory is cutting my insides so deep and the blood from all of these cuts are the tears that just pour out of me when i least expect it...

i just cant believe all of this shit that I've had to put up with my whole life... im too young to feel this old, you know? im only (age) and just feel myself rapidly losing hope.

im a royal fucking mess - just like my life.

Mon, 13 Mar 2006 - 3:07 pm
Subject: Re: hey

Jeez (Missing Link)... I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. I wish I could just erase your past for you! Are you specifically writing about the rape? Is that why it's bringing everything up? I wish I could tell you how to make yourself feel better. Maybe by going over it all and facing things you haven't thought about in years, you will work through it? I wish there was a good therapist or someone you could talk to. It's so hard to be locked in your head - you start to feel like that IS life. I'm not saying that's the solution but it might just help to have an outlet so you're not holding this torrent of emotions in.

As far as meeting someone - it's not true that you won't. So many people are fucked up in their own ways. There are empathetic, caring people out there and someone will see it through if they really care about you. But right now, you can't think that way - it's beating yourself up even more. First you have to help yourself get through this before you think about meeting anyone.

let me know if there is anything i can do and call me anytime. I can't stand the thought of you up there isolated and going through this alone.

I'm taking a little road trip next week to visit her for a little shopping, dinner and talk therapy. I haven't seen her in ages and miss our time together. We've planned to meet up next Wednesday... I can't wait to get out of here and hang out with her, to talk with her and not feel so damn fucked up and crazy. We have seen each other through so much in our lives. I need her now more than ever.


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