Deadly

I had a really bad nightmare last night. Woke myself up crying.

I was at this lake my friends and I used to go to every Memorial Day weekend. The setup was kind of weird... a very green and grassy park-like area where many people were just hanging out, and then to the get to the beach where our boat was, you had to walk through a small wooded area. I was in the park area for a while, and noticed one of the guys from my work was there. I noticed another guy nearby. He smiled at me, I smiled back, and then figured I should be heading to the boat to meet up with my friends. I was a little weary of walking through this wooded area, but it was daylight, and plenty of people at the park, and then next door at the beach. When I began approaching "the woods," I noticed a a sketchy younger man waiting at the entrance to this small and secluded area. He was staring at me, and had this weird, uncomfortable smirk on his face. I started approaching the woods, reassuring myself the beach was right there. But the closer I got, the more uncomfortable I became. I pretended like I forgot something and turned around.

He asked where I was going. I told him I had to turn around.

"Because you knew I was waiting for you."

"Yeah. Because you were staring at me." I was walking backwards so I could see his face. I didn't want to turn my back to him. He started approaching me with his dirty smirk, like he was secretly telling me he was going to get what he wanted, even if I didn't pass through the woods.

My heart started beating faster as he started walking faster towards me. I tried to act like I wasn't scared, but I knew what was going to happen. All I could think was, "Please, not again. Please, not again..."

I stumbled a bit and fell to the ground. I knew this was his chance. He attacked me, on top of me. I couldn't move around very much because of the awkward position I stumbled down in. He was holding both my wrists with his hands, just smirking while watching me squirm, trying to get away... like he enjoyed watching me fight. I yelled for the guy I knew, Alan. But he wasn't there. I kept yelling for him, but he was gone... I don't know where he went. I couldn't believe this was happening in broad daylight, in front of all these people, in an open park.

The guy who smiled at me earlier came to my rescue. He pulled him off of me. They fought for a long time. I was laying there, on the ground, in shock of what just almost happened again, and what was happening now... and I saw a glimpse of a knife while they were fighting/wrestling. I was silently freaking out. I felt like I was in a movie. My clothes and hair was a mess, tears were running down my face, exhausted... drained... and just then... I watched my rescuer stab my attacker to death.

Next, there were a few cops standing around my dead attacker. They were feverishly taking notes. There was caution tape blocking off "the scene of the crime". People were staring and watching. They called my rescuer over to ask him a few questions. I was standing from afar, just staring at the entire thing... watching everything... numb. Incredibly, horribly, drained and numb. The cops motioned for me to come over. I took a step. And with my second step, I fell to the ground, sobbing so uncontrollably that I couldn't breathe...

I'm starting to cry now... and I don't know why...

Anyhow... I fell to the ground with this overwhelming, suffocating emotion of being attacked again, and then watching him stabbed to death. I could see his motionless legs on the ground, but the cops were standing in the way for me to see his upper body. I couldn't stop crying, just staring at his body in the distance... unable to keep my head up from all of my sobbing, and letting myself fall entirely to the ground with the weight of my tears.

I had never felt so alone and cold in my life.

And then I woke up crying. I immediately turned on the tv and desperately wished he was here... the one who doesn't want to be with me. The one who "didn't mean to lead me on"... the one who "felt something in the beginning. But things change and feelings change. That's just reality."

Fuck you.

Fuck my attacker.

Fuck my rapist.

Just fuck it all.

I'm too afraid to go to sleep tonight. I don't want to admit this. But it's the truth. I hate waking up alone. I hate this constant nagging feeling that I'm not enough... this horrible, thick, draining feeling that I will never be enough, and my past experiences have created this fucked up girl... this girl that is too complex to understand and deal with.

I don't know what else to say. I don't want to miss him in the all the ways I sometimes do. It's bullshit. Never anything in the first place. Just sex. Just random, casual sex... like all the other girls he was sleeping with.

That's all they've ever wanted from me.
The men in my life.
Just sex.

I don't understand what else there is anymore.

I don't think I've ever been this jaded and numb to the reality of my life as I am today. Especially after last night's nightmare.

Even using the word "numb" is too colorful anymore.

I'm not being negative or pessimistic.

I'm being honest.

I welcome you to express another opinion or point of view, but beware of me politely and discreetly flipping you off.

FYI

No more drinking and writing. It does help sometimes to get the hard stuff out, especially when the memories/flashbacks get bad at night. And I've been drinking every night this past week to help me sleep (in all honesty) because the nightmares have been crazy. But I can't be relying on a few drinks to write anymore. I'm done with that part of my "creative process."

This weekend has been relaxing. Been having one of my "Missing Link" weekends, the kind where I pretty much ignore everyone and everything, and do whatever the hell I want. I've been having one of those lives, actually! It's unusually warm here this weekend, so I'm anxious for my first beach trip this year. And every Sunday, local artists set up little spots all along the beach/harbor to sell their handmade things. It's actually very cool. I love that about this town. All of the creativity that just kind of oozes around here. I know sooo many writers, artists, publishers, agents, actors, actresses, songwriters, etc. etc. I must admit that I am extremely lucky to be able to afford my own place in this town. Although I do sometimes get a little bored with having all my good friends live far away. And now, I have this horrible feeling my best friend might be moving across the country! I don't want her to go, but I also know she's been needing a big change for a while, like me. She's taking a trip out there to visit one of her best friends (who I adore, too), and I have a feeling she's gonna check out jobs and places to live with her! It's scary to have my only sanity leave me but that just means I get to fly out there to visit them both.

Anyhow, just needed to remind myself to NOT drink anymore while writing. I drink a little too much sometimes when I'm on a roll with my writing (like last night) and I hate waking up the next morning and having last night be a little bit of a blur!

And I kind of realize this morning that my life is just where it needs to be. I do miss certain people and relationships, but life just continues to evolve as we do. If all the relationships in my life stayed the same, I'd be worried. Our relationship are meant to change because WE are never the same people, either. If we, as people, are constantly evolving, it's only natural for our relationships, hopes, dreams, wishes, wants and needs to do the same.

I have to admit I wish he wanted our friendship to evolve into something more as we continued to evolve within our own lives. I didn't realize that's maybe how I wanted our friendship to change and grow until almost two years after knowing him. He never saw me in that way, I think. He was just in it for the sex. That's all he wanted, I think... I think the only reason it worked for him was because the sex was pretty great. You can imagine how that started to confuse me... especially at a time when I'm finally admitting, confronting, accepting and integrating my rape and childhood experiences into the rest of my life.

I miss how fun and easy it was. And of course, I miss the sex just because he was the best I had ever had... but that doesn't mean I won't have great sex again with someone else who is that patient and slow with me.

If you're reading this, I'm over it. I admit I will think about you from time to time and wonder what the hell happened, and why you don't want to be with me "in that way" after I thought I was doing the right thing the entire time... just going with the flow and not really thinking about much else, except getting through my personal shit the best I can and having fun with you whenever I could... but shit happens, and change is the only constant.

Cheers to all these changes to (slowly but surely) better my life, process my rape, and accept myself just as I am.

Don't Believe...

... everything you read.

I just read a few of my old post and hate that I have all this shit internalized so deep down.

I hate it.

I just have to deal with it.

I can't understand why some days are easier than others, but I guess that's just the name of the game no matter who you are or what your life experiences are.

I don't know if starting my new blog really matters, or if I should I should commit to my daily report on this blog.

That seems much easier. Why complicate things when they are good just as they are?

Anyway, figuring out all this new template shit is annoying! It's a decision made more out of convenience than anything else.

On a sidenote, I've been drinking and writing all night again :) And I even concocted a tasty dinner in the middle of a writer's block. And I don't even really cook! But I was feeling pretty creative tonight, I guess. It was good and healthy, if I don't say so myself.

Don't worry, JIP... I've been trying to keep my health in order. I still have some other health issues I've been avoiding, but I promise you I'll make the call and take care of it when I'm ready. I've had these horrible bruises along both sides of my spine for almost a year now. They are right where my lungs are. They're positioned really strangely, too. In a perfect linear position going up and down both sides of my spine, equal in size, equal in distance from one bruise to the next. I feel like I've been abducted by aliens and these bruises are their "tracking device"! Obviously, I know that isn't true, but even now, this portion of my back, where this bruised cluster lives, is getting sore and uncomfortable. I have no idea what it is. I wasn't in any kind of severe accident to trigger or initiate this strange series of bruising along my spine. I've been recommended to specialists to figure it out, but I just don't have the headspace to pursue this right now... especially because I'm beginning to get a little freaked out that it could be something serious. And especially since these bruises have been present for almost a year now... AND especially since the area of the bruising just gets more and more uncomfortable as time goes on.

I know... I have to call these specialists right away and sort out what's going on. I'm just afraid of dealing with any more drama in my life anymore. But I know this is my health and I MUST prioritize and get it sorted out asap. I just hate bad news... and I'm really afraid it's not going to be good news at all.

... I think I've realized the other blog is unncessary. It's pretty much the exact same thing as this blog anyway, except with a different title. I may cancel it soon. So much for sticking with it! Oh well... it's just me trying to make the change.

I wish I had a boyfriend to massage my back right now. It's been especially painful this past week... not to forget the nightmares on top of the physical pain. Combine that with all the insane writing confusion of how to openly acknowledge/accept my rape and I'm about as drained as a girl can get these days.

I still miss him, though. But I don't know if I miss the idea of him, or him as a real, honest, safe person in my life. I guess I'll never know the answer to that one. I don't even care right now, to be honest. I've taken so much pain medication for my back this week, and running on no sleep, that I'm just ready for my hot shower and comfortable down-feathered bed.

Goodnight :) And if anyone out there knows what the fuck this bruising is all about, PLEASE let me know. It's so strange. I wish I could photograph this bruising (still in tact for almost a year, no change in appearance) and post it, but we know I'm not going to do that. The bruises are the exact same size, and align both sides of my spine identically... same width, same distance apart, same coloring... And yes, it is uncomfortable half of the time, like now.

I hate medication. I just want to feel physically healthy for once in my life. And that will contribute to my mental/emotional health being. Once I get the MRI done on my knee, and get that surgery, I'll be able to run again, too. Until then, it's the gym and swimming for as long as my body can handle it... and when even that is uncomfortable (like this past week), it's resting my body as much as possible.

Maybe all of my internal bruising is beginning to show externally... I have to call those doctors, dammit. I hope it's nothing serious...

Work is Work

For the most part, I love my job. Except it does get pretty tricky being the only girl there, running that fucking office... feeling like everyone's damn mom because they just don't get their shit right. But that's what I'm getting paid for, right? The schedules and deadlines definitely contribute to all the stress. But that's just the nature of this industry. I signed on for this... job security. There are projects slated with this client for the next 15 years. And she's been wanting to hire me out of my company for a year now. I can't say enough that I feel like I just need to be patient to see what will happen with that. In the meantime, I have my debt to pay off, and my writing to pursue. Those are my goals right now. And I'm doing very well with both.

Except today, I snapped a little again. I know why I do it. I know it just stresses me out to constantly feel like I have to remind these guys over and over again with this stupid shit... this stupid shit that I should NOT have to remind them of because we are all fucking adults. I'm the youngest one working there... and the only girl. I get teased a lot, and I don't mind it because I know it's all in good fun. Except sometimes, it just gets under my skin to not be treated like a normal woman who should be respected and treated like one of them. Just because I'm not a male construction worker doesn't mean they should treat me with any less respect or maturity. It just gets frustrating sometimes. And it gets most frustrating/confusing when I have nights and weekends like this week... nightmares every night. And last night was especially scary. There is always something chasing or attacking me. And more often than not, if it's people, they are faceless. Sometimes I'm being chased and attacked by animals, too. But ALWAYS, in every nightmare, I can't scream or move to cry for help. No matter how hard I try, I'm frozen, stunned and scared in my nightmares. I try with all my strength to muster any kind of sound so someone can hear my cries for help. Except nothing comes out. Meanwhile, my attacker slowly gets closer and closer. I often wake myself up screaming or crying. I'm always drenched in sweat. The other night I woke up with sweat pouring down my face. Like I just walked out of the shower. My body was so drained and heavy. It took so much energy to turn around, turn on the tv for noise and light, and open my window for fresh air. I started to cry a little because I hated that I was alone.

I wish I had a boyfriend sleeping next to me during nights like this.

I snapped at work because I've had, literally, no sleep all week due to these nightmares. I'm pretty much running on empty by the time Friday rolls around. And I don't want medication so going through all of this alone and natural is even tougher than I imagined. But I need to feel all this naturally. Once and for all.

I just talked to an old friend of mine for over an hour. She's still in the middle of her divorce, but at least they're on speaking terms now, which helps the divorce details go smoother. She was also raped. And she's been there for me since I moved back to this place. We kind of just get each other's craziness because we've both had really fucked up childhoods, been through horrible experiences, like rape, as young women, escaped to hard drugs, alcohol, promiscuity & suicide attempts... she's an incredible friend, and she always has a way of making me feel more normal again. I don't have many real friends I can say that about. Just a handful of them exist in my life. A lot of time may go by where we don't talk or see each other, but when we do talk again, we talk forever, catch up and just "get" each other.

I called our main office on the way home from work confirming if I was really going to be running this office solo for this client... It's all up to me, what I can and can't handle. I have more freedom with this position than I realize, I think. Except it's just hard to see that when you've had a number of sleepless, nightmare-filled nights like I have. I'm slowly recognizing that the more honest I am about my life and what I need to survive, the more respect and support I gain.

I just have to remember to not be afraid to let these guys know that I need them to pay better attention in doing their jobs because that helps me do mine.

Work shit aside, today was exhausting with emotional highs and lows. I've been having trouble finding that emotional middle ground. But I don't want medication so I just have to muscle it. And I can handle it. I can deal with it. If I dealt with my rape all by myself, in secret, for ten years, then I can deal with anything.

Aside from all of that, I've been thinking a lot about him... something about our friendship ending the way it did just doesn't sit right with me. But it's out of my hands. I don't believe he felt something only "in the beginning." I seriously, honestly, in my gut, believe that he felt something as deep, intimate and scary as I did on our last night together. That's why neither of us slept at all after we had sex... or at least that's what my gut believes. Because it felt so different than ever before... yet we weren't ready to communicate that to the other for whatever reason... although we did agree something did feel different. We just weren't sure what it was. I wanted to have another night with him to confirm what I was feeling... was it a good different or a bad different? Except that's exactly when he started to pull away from me. Just when I thought I knew I wanted to be with him, and no one else, he decided he was done. I can't say for certain, of cours, but I think he was tired of waiting around for me to decide what I wanted. And by then, he had already turned everything off. I don't understand why I keep thinking about it... I just miss him. I feel like I've lost this great friendship that went to shit for no reason. We got along great... it was always so fun to spend time with him, although I never had the chance to see him as much as I really wanted to... and if the sex was that great - the best I've ever had - then I just don't understand why this happened. I adored having him in my life. I don't understand our relationship and how it evolved into this nothingness... the sex was more than fantastic, and it was just so comfortable and safe to be with him. I just don't understand what happened.

Don't worry, though. I know this is it for us. And call me crazy, but you, too, know how great it was. I know you know. I just don't know why you started acting like I was this ugly mole on your face you couldn't wait to get rid of. Good riddance, huh? Hope you're happy. I just think all this really sucks is all. But I had to completely cut our contact because I couldn't just be your friend. I care about you way too much to just be your friend. And if that's alll you want from me, okay then. But I'm sorry... I think I feel something different. And I'm sorry if it took me too long to be certain of that, but look at what my life's been since early childhood. I have more than enough reason to act like I don't care... because then you can't hurt me. But in the end, I just ended up hurting myself somehow. And now we're not in each other's lives at all. It just doesn't make sense to me. Something about how this all ended just doesn't make sense to me. Just like my rape.

I just need to accept the way things are. Right here. Right now. I just have to accept my life and relationships as they are. And more than that, I MUST accept that there are some things I just will not understand. And even more than that, I must accept that there will be things in my life which I am just not meant to understand. They just are what they are. And my life experiences, good and bad, are all part of the big picture.

I miss him, but... I have to completely let him go because I really do care about him too much to pretend like I don't care that much at all.

Time for another beer...

Random

The more I openly acknowledge and accept my rape, and every other painful and hurtful experience in my childhood, the more I feel my two different versions merge into one whole person again. My invisible barrier between BR and AR (Before Rape and After Rape) is slowly becoming solid enough so that I can focus on the facts on my life. I need to see and feel this division within myself before I can begin tearing it down. Because the truth of the matter is, the only way anyone can ever accept anything as traumatic and life-altering as my experiences is to look them in the face, head on, in broad daylight, standing on stage, the world as their audience.

Okay then. Time to get another beer, and start my new blog. Hope it helps me to stay in the moment and focused on what matters most to me (family, friends, health, new beginnings, unexpected greatness...). Hope it helps you to, well... understand that just about every woman you see, every girl you know, WILL experience some kind of sexual abuse/assault in her lifetime. And more than that, I hope it helps you to see how internally damaging it is to one person's heart and soul, and that we do, literally, spend the rest of our lives surviving an experience that killed us.

I wish I could make it stop forever. I wish Rape NEVER existed. But the truth is, it will always exist. I don't understand why, and to just know that makes the healing a little more possible. To know that this world will always consist of horrible experiences and people, to recognize and accept this reality, to know that I will NEVER know why he raped me on my birthday... why my first kiss was waking up to his drunken, coarse tongue shoved down my throat... to understand that I will never know WHY I was raped at all is the first step in accepting my life's experiences for what they are... my life's experiences.

My rape is my life's most painful and hurtful experience.

But I can't erase it. And I won't kill him. So, I have to move on. And in order to submit my work for publication, I have to process all this confusion, anger and pain somehow, someplace, before it's cancer spreads fast and wide. So fast and wide that maybe next time, I won't be so lucky to wake up in the ER.