Monday is not Wednesday

Wow. So the last time I posted was just before I ran the half marathon?! That's way too long ago. And I feel horrible that I said I'd write every Wednesday. Today isn't Wednesday but here I am checking in.

At the immediate moment, I'm sick and trying to not get overwhelmed with work, grad school, trying to find a new job and possibly moving in a few months. Not to mention that I have a field study and research paper that has me completely consumed and confused.

This thing about working FT and going to grad school FT is fucking crazy! It's great to have something positive to focus on, though.

That's my one piece of advice for everyone out there struggling with their rape. For me, forcing myself to pursue my dream after years of only thinking about it and wishing for it was the hardest, but best, thing for me. It's helped me to feel somewhat alive again - doing what I love to do again. It's been tough trying to find a happy balance with everything life demands of you, but I know this crazy schedule and work load isn't forever, and I can feel myself learning and growing so much it's incredible.

Especially with the processing of my life experiences. Since I started grad school and have been able to focus again on reading and writing, I feel my perspective shifting when I reflect on my past. I can't quite explain it just yet - it's something I'm still in the middle of, I think... it's something I still think about constantly on a daily basis and wonder who am I?

Do you ever ask yourself that? "Who am I?"  I'm sure you do - you that was raped. It's still surreal to me that it happened to me because I am so social and happy and outgoing and unless I told you, you would never have known I had such a dark side. But yep, I do.

Boyfriend just back from the grocery store... that means I'll write more later... :)

Love you all

Not Sober...

Hi readers... it's been a while, a lot to say and catch up on, but in a nutshell:

Got into grad school :)
Been dating a great guy for a little over a year now
Work projects are coming to a close, which makes me very happy
Running a half marathon in 2 weeks

I'm not sober right now, but need to check in. Lots going through my head lately about my life, what has happened and whatever changes are coming around... I feel like these are changes that will open many doors for what I ultimately want to do with my life, which is focus on my writing and my nonprofit work.

I will try to better about checking in... make it a schedule, like writing every Wednesday or something so I don't get caught up with life but am still present to let you all know that LIFE AFTER RAPE IS POSSIBLE.

I never imagined that I would feel this at peace with my life experiences - that I have tried TEN TIMES to kill myself... how horrible if I had, in fact, died... I would never know that life can be rewarding and happiness is possible.

Don't get me wrong, I still wonder sometimes why my boyfriend loves me - I feel like I have so much baggage!

But..

It's just that... baggage...

Baggage that I don't need to take with me unless I want to... I can place it in storage and check in on it when I feel like I need to.

Or, I can just leave it in storage.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with recognizing that what has happened in your life HAS happened. And it's painful, hurtful, confusing, and very scary. Nightmares about being raped repeatedly or attacked by faceless strangers creates lack of sleep, which then creates all sorts of problems in other areas of your life. Not to mention using drugs or alcohol as an escape from the pain - anything to make you feel happy in the moment because the long term feeling just plain sucks ass.

But the things with escapes like drugs or alcohol - they're a depressant. Alcohol definitely is. But drugs... when you get high, and then come down from that high - it fucks even more with your head.

Like now, I'm high.

And a part of me wishes I wasn't. A part of me wishes that I didn't still like partying.

But I feel like I'm celebrating when I party - celebrate the fact that I'm here and living and breathing.

Except to REALLY enjoy the celebration, I should be sober and have the moment be pure, letting myself be as natural as the day I was born.

I think all I really want to say right now is that LIFE AFTER RAPE IS POSSIBLE.

I knew I'd get to a place of feeling at peace with all the shit that has happened... I just didn't know if that peace would come when I was dead.

That's a sad, sad thought to have.

To think that the only way you can feel peace and a calmness within is to be dead.

I can't believe that my life is what it has been.

But another truth is that everyone has a life that is unbelievable in some way.

You just have to sit down and listen to their story. And then share your story. And you will see that we are alike in our pain and turmoil. And once you realize that - once you FEEL like you are not alone - you will begin to see that you can make it through because this other person has made it through.

It breaks my heart how many women I know that have been raped... and it fucking pisses me off.

And the fact that SO many go unreported - it's fucked up that we feel like we can't report our rapist.

I want you all to know - every one of you that has been raped, or knows someone who has - that IT DOES GET BETTER.

I mean, look at me... read my posts from when I first began this blog years ago... even posting right after I returned from the ER, which was my last suicide attempt.

I'm not going to lie to you about the process - it's fucking hard, and twisted and fucked up - everything about it... but it's just that... A PROCESS.

You have to see it through to the end before you can move on from it... life doesn't let you jump ahead at your will.

You will needs to stay focused on staying healthy, accepting the experience and learning how to be YOU again after being raped.

And learning about who you are is always going to be evolving... the older you get, the more experiences you have, the more people you meet... you will always be learning more and more about what and what you do and don't want in your life.

Setting boundaries and recognizing your true potential... and believing in yourself to make the right decision for you.

Fuck everyone else.

You must take care of yourself first and foremost.

Not escape reality... but taking care of yourself - mind, body and soul - in your reality.

That's all for now... I'll check in again next week... Wednesdays are a good day, I think... the middle of the week...

2011 Status

In a strange headspace lately. This year has been more than crazy... surreal... very, very surreal. Is all this really happening? Trying to wrap my head around everything I have on my plate... how to pursue my passion while maintaining my health and balance, along with carrying a very demanding role at a company that has challenged every atom of my being for over seven years now. It has shoved and smushed my past in my face and has forced me to crash into the reality I ran from my entire life. It has helped me, through many obstacles and hurdles, to accept, appreciate and love the person I am today because of what I experienced yesterday. Because whether or not I believe it, or feel it, or even recognize it every waking moment, I know I'm bigger, better and stronger than I ever thought I could be. Because I kept fighting, somehow, despite how many times I wanted to give up. And the biggest, trying moment of all began last year - a harassment issue I'm now at the tail end of. A situation that rooted itself in my life without my knowledge or consent. My company made all the choices for me when I was out sick for six weeks. I had no choice. AGAIN. No way to avoid it. No rewind button. No pause. By the time I knew what was done, what I was blindly thrown in the middle of, when my company told me the actions they took... it already had a life of it's own. It was beyond my control... I just had to grab a life jacket and ride out the storm.

Perhaps that is why I find my myself struggling unknowingly lately. Feeling out of sorts when I haven't felt more solid, whole and at peace with my life in it's entirety, and myself as a human being actually living in this world - not just surviving it. Maybe this is why I'm doubting people in my life that make me happy... people that my heart trusts, but my head fears a different reality. It knows a different story in a book that I can't put down... because I'm still learning the language it's written in.

So... I have to write a new book.

I AM writing a new book.

Literally.

I'm learning the language of my past.

But that doesn't mean that I haven't moved on from it.

It just means that there are parts of my past that I will always reflect on, refer to and remember because they have challenged my heart and soul to such great lengths and depths that, without certain, specific, sacred and scary experiences, there would still be parts of me that would be missing, lost and damaged.

Without the reflection and memories, all I have is emptiness.

The more I reflect, the more I fill up those empty spaces to a higher level of understanding, acceptance and forgiveness.

And I'm pretty full these days... happily full. :)

But I'm beginning to feel like I need to make room... somehow... in some areas of my life...

I need to expand.

I can feel myself expanding.

My heart... my soul... they're getting bigger...

Is this the source of all my new growing pains?

It hurts to expand. Just as it hurts to retract... to reduce and shrink...

Minimizing what once held real and honest substance in your life hurts. How can it not? You adapted it into your life, and now you must un-adapt.

Just as it hurts to let go and walk away, it hurts to hang on tight and walk closer...

Moving forward is just as scary, painful and testing.

Whether it's a new person, a new situation, a new idea or a new possibility... any and all foreign territory is, well... foreign.

You are forced to learn a new land, a new language, a new system... there are new rules you don't know yet, but you know you must learn if you wish to grow and succeed.

Success and growth comes from one of two places:

1) Your willingness to recognize it exists.

2) Your willingness to recognize you have the power to make it possible.

Once you are fully aware of the existence and possibility of potential, you have to make a choice:

Walk towards? Or walk away?

BUT...

Both choices come with a cost.

YET...

Both choices come with a guarantee.

Whichever choice you make, it guarantees you will learn something about yourself, how you live your life, what makes you happy, and how you (continue to) pursue your ulimate happiness.

This is a guarantee: The fact that you have a choice in maintaining your happiness, despite who or what comes and goes.

But life?

Life is NOT guaranteed.

It can be here today, gone tomorrow...

So when you make a choice, when you feel the pain of a decision your head and heart are fighting, know this:

Happiness is your God given right.

But how happy you want to be is your choice.

Despite the sadness you didn't chose, your pursuit for happiness is what should, and will, lead you to infinite amounts of pleasure that will surely make your cup runneth over.

Maybe that's all that's happening lately.

My cup runneth over.

That's why it hurts.

Because, although loved ones are gone, and certain experiences I cannot erase, I can feel my heart and soul expanding and stretching and growing... and while it's all good in the hood, any change is uncomfortable until you learn how to adapt.

One of my favorite mantras, courtesy of a Client from my last job:

"Our hearts grow stronger in the broken places."

The more life we live, the bigger the chamber we need to hold it all within.

Life is fleeting... "FRAGILE: HANDLE WITH CARE"...

Experience is trying...

Lessons are inevitable...

I just have to remember that the lessons are always going to be coming. Whether it comes in the form of my rapist reappearing in my life, or a dear, old friend passing away unexpectedly, or even my health on the brink of ultimate disaster... the lessons are always going to be present.

And that's exactly what they are.

Presents.

Life just has them packaged and wrapped up a little more incognito so we receive them as they were meant to be received... for the sake of the lesson's purpose, and for the purpose of our ultimate happiness.

You've knocked me out, 2011.

But... like the old Japanese proverb goes:

"Fall seven times and stand up eight."

So cheers to not only standing up, but dancing all the way to 2012...

Forgiveness

Another email to the same friend. Wanted to post here because it's a lesson I'm learning since finding my rapist.

04/02/11, 10:00 pm

C told me about all the other opportunities that are stemming from your (latest) gig... that's really

good, but also another reason why you needed the DUI right now. To remind you that while you can, and will, get everything you are working towards (because you're following your heart, and you deserve it), there is still a part of your life, and yourself, that you are approaching recklessly. Literally and figuratively. Driving too fast, ignoring the road signs, headed in the wrong direction on a one way street, intoxicated with false ideals and unrealistic expectations.

Old habits die hard, and I see us both working to change the habits of our youth. I know what you really want deep down... what you feel you're (almost) ready for... what you're tired of dealing with, but don't know how to change.

But you can't get it, or be able to fully appreciate it, or give it the attention it deserves until you: Slow the fuck down.

I've been thinking a lot lately about why I found J now, at this point in my life. I knew I'd find him (eventually) because it's something I wished for my entire life... I just didn't know at what stage in my life I would be at when this information finally presented itself. I knew it'd be hard - it's like reopening a secret door you lost the key for. But I didn't foresee everything from my past resurfacing and having as big of an impact on this final chapter... I didn't foresee it unfolding the way it did - but that's the beauty of Life... if we ever knew what was really waiting around the corner, the lesson would be lost.

The last time I was living (here)... I revisited the house it happened in (after more shit happened that I haven't told you about)... and I walked into his old bedroom and relived the entire night. I spent the following week, day and night, writing a story for a college writing class, which was a detailed play by play of that night. And the day I finished the story, after I emailed it to my professor, I totaled my car. Everything was in slow motion as I crashed into a hillside head on. I thought that was the end... and how appropriate - I just went back to that dirty house, wrote the truth that nobody knows, and now I'm going to die the day I finish the story... the day I tell the truth.

How perfect that the next time I'm living (here), I find Jay.

And when I knew you were from his same hometown, I secretly avoided you like the plague because I knew you would help me find him in some shape, way or form.

And you did.

And I never said thank you for that.

So... thank you. :)

From the bottom of my heart, thanks for being a good friend when I needed one, and thanks for having my back through all this when I couldn't share the truth with anyone else. I needed to hibernate for a while and sit IN everything... marinate in it, really... "Like soap for the body, so are tears for the soul."

This is what I really wanted to share with you, though, because I think my lesson now, with all this information, is the same lesson you may need before you can achieve what you really want deep down... for yourself, for your life, for your future happiness.

What finding J is really all about:

Forgiveness.

Forgiving myself for a situation that was beyond my control.

Forgiving another person for creating a situation that controlled most of my life.

Forgiving the situation itself for creating all the silent pain, anger, sadness and mistrust it rooted in every human relationship I've ever had... so I just kept everything superficial and never trusted... it was easier that way. And I stayed idle.

While the rest of my life kept progressing, there was always a part of me that stayed idle... ready to go but unable to move... that same part that was affected so deeply from that one experience that it became my norm to live this way... to let a fucked up situation from my past dictate how I opened myself up and allowed people in my life, and at which point I shoved them out. I knew this piece of me always existed, but I had to walk away from it... shut up and let it go so the rest of my life could move forward. But that part of me was still so angry and hurt that I still sometimes felt off balance when life was right on track, and oddly confused when the world was giving me exactly what I asked for. I didn't know when the puzzle pieces would fit... and I couldn't let myself think about it... just had to keep moving forward.

And then, just like that, when I was fed up with all of life's tests.. I got the lesson I needed... but only when I wasn't looking for it. It forced me to look at my entire life from start to present... and say goodbye to all the people and situations that hurt me the most. And the only way I could do that was by forgiving everyone for all of it. Because until you can do this, until people can look in the mirror and fully accept, and then let go, hurdles will continue to present themselves which will force you to hit the pause button, take care of business, and re-evaluate your order of operations.

Sometimes it's not a situation that needs changing... sometimes it's you.

Again, I'm only sharing this with you because I feel like my lesson in all of this... what finding J is teaching me, is something that you might benefit from, too. I don't know how, but I think you will.

Life is Precious

I sent the below email to a very close, dear friend - a man in my life whom I care about very much, but also someone who tests me, pushes my boundaries and triggers strong emotion, good and bad. I knew he was going to play a very important role in my life the moment we met. And when he told me he was from the same hometown as my first rapist, I knew he would be my link to finding him. And he did. He is the one that led me to fuck face exactly two months ago.

I need to post the email here because it is me in a nutshell. It is my life. It is evidence of how far I've come and proof that no matter what, no matter how bad shit gets... no matter who hurts you, and what they take from you, you CAN make it through and come out on the other side...

03/23/11 - 11:56 am

Yo, so is what I wrote in response to you when I found his address on Valentine's Day. I texted you a few days later... said I was having a hard time w/all this new information... that I didn't know why it was hitting me so hard that week, but it was.

You said: "You're a smart, educated, successful, beautiful woman. Own it. Either way you need to take the steps to let it go because life is precious."

That pissed me off and I couldn't sleep... and what is written below came out... and after I wrote it, I felt a huge weight being lifted... your comment helped me put it all into words... what it meant for me, for my life, for my future happiness, to find J now... at this stage in my life... after this move back here, after the way 2010 unfolded... the shit at work - a harassment issue I had been dealing with all year, just gave my statement last week and have yet to talk to the insurance company... the bullshit with Eddie - my k hole stemmed from something I heard about him... that he tried to force himself on a girl, a friend of mine, and a secret paranoia that I was only a side dish and all he wanted was to get in my pants, saying and doing whatever it took to make it happen. I didn't fuck him. My body reacted the way it did that weekend because he was so shady, but I was trying to get back into the dating scene... knew he wasn't for me, but I also knew he was a good test. The Eddie situation triggered the start of all this... it opened myself up again to realizing that something bigger than me was starting to unfold... that this would be the time in my life that I would find J, that I was ready... fuck everyone and everything, I knew what was really happening... I just had to stay with it and let it takes its course.

I was frustrated and pissed when I got your text because this is my struggle, a struggle for everyone that goes through this shit... people, especially those closest to you, think that because you still feel emotion about your past, that you haven't accepted it or moved past it. I've had friends and family say and do all kinds of fucked up shit... saying I'm "crazy" and that I "should just be friends with actual victims then." Boyfriends haven't been able to touch me after they know the truth... one even getting turned on by it... and when the sex got rougher and I had to slow down the intimacy, the relationship crashed and burned... the end of that relationship, a screenwriter, was the reason I moved out of state... needed to get the fuck out.

People, society... nobody can quite grasp how much this kind of experience affects you to the core of your entire being. And nobody wants to talk about it because the minute we do, we're told to "let it go."

You can forgive, but you can't forget. The truth is, if I ever forgot or denied all this is a part of my reality, I would be denying a huge part of what made me who I am today. And I'm proud of that. I wouldn't change any of my experiences for anything in the world.

Enough rambling. I don't know why but I always feel the need to explain myself to people like you, people in my life that I care about but who I also feel have misjudged me for the way I live my life... and have maybe even discounted it because of the choices I make in how I live it.

I don't share anything personal with anyone because I care what they think or because I want anything in return, but rather because I feel he/she can benefit from it in some shape, way or form.

I don't know how all this information will help you, or why it will, but I trust that it will somehow in your life, in how you live it, in how you continue to make the choices that make you happy and keep you safe.

Here it is... exactly what I wrote when I got your text in the middle of the night after I woke up...

---

Needed to respond properly to further explain my position and my life to you... and then hopefully you'll understand a little more about why this is hard for me right now... and how we, (rape) survivors, continue to deal, process and live our way into a better, happier and more solid future.

He, J, USED to ruin my life... because I let him/it. That rape is only a small piece of my story, but the one experience that was the exclamation mark of what my life was at that time... of what I felt about men, and of myself. I already had two suicide attempts under my belt before he raped me. Things at home were SO fucked up. I was getting the shit beaten out of me on a nightly basis living with an alcoholic dad who was the greatest guy when sober, but the devil incarnate when that whiskey touched his lips. And when he would go after my mom, I would provoke him so he'd go after me instead... I knew I could take it, but couldn't stand watching my mom being thrown around like a rag doll. So I took it. I took it all. And I continued to take it because I knew it was what I had to do. It was the only way I knew how to survive... help my mom survive... to just take it and hope tomorrow was better... except it never got better, it only got worse.

And then I was raped on my birthday, at my birthday party, which was at J's house. When I knew what was happening... when I couldnt fight him anymore because he was twice my size... I didn't even feel anything... just looked up and watched this angel version of me floating up by the ceiling and focused on her the whole time... waiting for it to be over. I passed out, woke up next to him, said happy birthday to myself, dumbfounded that this day now marks the anniversary of yet another nightmare... thinking how ironic that the day I celebrate my birth is also the day a huge part of me died. And as I picked my clothes up off of his floor and got dressed, I knew I couldn't tell anyone or do anything about it. Not even get a rape kit at the hospital and press charges. Everyone in my town knew me and my family... if my dad found out, he'd say it was my fault because I lied about where I was going and because I lied, that was my punishment from God. And then he wouldve beaten the shit out of me and probably would've shipped me off somewhere. On top of all that, I was three months late, thought I was pregnant and was in full blown silent panic mode while I secretely looked for abortion clinics out of town.

Mix all that in with the fact that I was also molested as a kid, started at about six years old... refresh my suicide total to 10 - the last one landing me in the ER in 2006... throw in a second rape just before I relocated here two years ago - a "friend"... a guy I used to work with... met him through work - and there you have my life in a nutshell. My life that I don't advertise, but am grateful for surviving because it HAS made me this person I am today... this person you and so many others see, recognize and appreciate... the same person I feel on the inside so it's nice when others see it on the outside. I'm in awe of my ironic life... and in constant amazement and fascination of life in general, the experiences we go through, how we somehow manage to survive them, process them and integrate them into a bigger, happier life for ourselves.

I know how precious life is... believe me, I know. From driving wasted for hours and being blacked out the entire time to a near coke overdose, I should've died a million times. I shouldn't be here right now.

And that's exactly why I think finding J is as powerful, emotional and difficult as it is. I counsel rape survivors in my free time and have had hundreds of survivors from all over the world write to me saying how grateful they are I've shared my life with them because it gives them hope and they don't feel alone anymore... they feel validated and human again, walking away with a little more strength and faith to keep fighting the fight. Even if I've only helped one person in this entire world to not give up, then its all been worth it.

My nonprofit projects for abused children, battered women and survivors of rape/sexual abuse... that's why I'm still here... to give THEM a voice... to be their encouragement and strength to fight through today, because we never know what tomorrow will bring.

You see, I know he can't hurt me anymore, and when I was laid up in that ER five years ago... that's when I stopped letting him, and the rest of my past, ruin my life... because look at where I was... look at where I landed myself... and I had no idea how I got there. It became bigger than me, controlled me, ran me right into the ground... almost six feet underground, literally.

So, I understand what you're saying, trust me, I do... but what I need you to understand, now that you know (almost) the whole picture, is this: Everything that's happening right now ARE the steps in motion, the steps you said I need to take to let it go... except this time, it's on a different level. Something bigger than me is happening right now, and I can't fully explain it until I'm out of it. And that's why I think I'm having a hard time controlling my emotions... because now the world has, basically, spoon fed him back into my life... but at a time when I have clearer eyes, a stronger heart and a braver soul... so I don't know what to do with all this information because I'm not the same person I was back then. It's being processed differently... because now I'm not fighting to survive... I'm alive, finally... hence why my emotions are all over the place. I'm fighting to help others stay alive. This is why I'm still here... why I've survived all my shit... to help people appreciate every moment they have, good or bad, because it all happens for a reason... and I've lived it from all sides... from having my life ripped away from me more than once to being the one who so desperately tried to end it on my own dozens of times to, now, walking and breathing everyday, fully aware of how lucky I am to still be here... but also fully aware of all that I went through to get here.

Finding J is not about what happened to only me, it's about what happens to so many other women out there... so many women who have or never will have the chance to confront their rapist/abuser. I honestly feel, in my heart of hearts, that I have to confront him for all the survivors out there who look to me for support. I'm not forcing myself, it's something that I've wished for my entire life. I need to give power to all those out there who feel so powerless. We lead by example, right?

This is about my life only on the level that it led me to this place of finally being strong enough to confront that waste of skin... of being in a solid place to confront all of my abusers and to know that my life, now, is better than I could've ever imagined. I don't have to see him or go through with any of it, but for the sake of what my life is really about... helping others survive their own fucked up shit, and appreciate the good with the bad, I have to let myself feel everything right now. This isn't about my life being ruined, it's confirmation that my life is NOT ruined...

Regardless, like I said before, it's still a lot to stomach. Look at what my life has been thus far, look at where my life was at when J planned, and then raped me... and look at my passion now for healing and helping others through my writing and nonprofit projects. It's a lot to have come full circle with such heavy experiences at such a young age. All that's happening right now is that the weight is finally being lifted... that's what I'm feeling with all my roller-coaster emotions... that's why this is so hard... because it's about saying goodbye to the only life I've ever known... this life that made me who I am today, able to help so many others survive and keep moving forward to see tomorrow.

I let go of my past when I was in the ER... that was the moment I turned around and began my climb out of the dark hole I had been living in my entire life. Except although I let go of it, it hadn't let go of me... which is why I think all of a sudden, I'm finding all kinds of info about J when I wasn't able to find shit on him for years. Because whatever has been happening with me this year, it's bigger than me... I'm not consciously making these decisions, something is pulling me in a certain direction, and I don't know where it's taking me... I'm just going with it. And maybe in a weird way, although my head let go of my past in the ER, a piece of my heart has always felt like it was still missing... felt like a strainer, really... too many holes to feel properly... maybe that's what is guiding me now... the missing pieces of my heart so it can finally be whole again. And Im not scared about what's around the corner because I know it's exactly where I'm meant to be...

It's hard... but it's not impossible. Yes, this week has been tough, and maybe next week will be tougher, who knows. All I know is that I don't know what's happening but for the first time in my entire life, I trust it, and I trust myself, to see this all the way through. It's exactly what I've been waiting for, I'm slowly realizing... that fire within to fuel my new beginning for the life I deserve, and was always meant to have.

Boundaries in Transition

"Today one door may slam shut, while another one begins to open. With so much potential in your romantic life, you cannot afford to let an incident from the past mar your happiness now. Be sure that the door to your past is firmly locked before fully opening this new door. Only then can you proceed free of hindrances, knowing there are no ghosts waiting to haunt you."

I think I finally know where my boundaries are, what I will and will not accept or allow... what is right and wrong for me... what I do and don't want from people and relationships. Now I know. Before, I didn't.

Moving back here reminds me of all the abuse, molestation, fighting, family drama, crying, screaming, the holes in the walls... the start of my twisted fascinated with testing myself and "GOD," aka my 10 year marathon of suicide attempts. My first two were in high school. And then I was raped... on my birthday... at my own fucking birthday part. And I realized the next morning that he planned it... I was set up. How's that for irony? To survive your death the very day you celebrate your birth? And here comes Suicide Attempt #3 where I stood in my parent's kitchen and pushed a knife into my stomach to see if I could stab myself to death. I wanted to know how far I could push the knife in until it hurt... if I could do it. The pills didn't work, so maybe a 9-in. butcher knife would do the trick.

I'm getting ahead of myself.

This place is hell for me, as you can plainly see, or read, I should say. But who gives a shit? It's life. And I bet that many of you are living with an equal amount of painful memories that have led you to where you are. The difference may be that you might still be in the thick of it all... falling down that same black hole I was in not too long ago... wondering if you'll ever make it out...

My second rape took place the year before I relocated... which is strange because it doesn't seem like that long ago at all. It seems like it just happened a year ago, at the most... but nope... it happened November 2007, now that I think about it and get my timeline right... just seven days before my birthday... almost on the EXACT same date as my first rape years earlier. I couldn't fucking believe it. Who the fuck was dealing me these cards?! Life is so fucking crazy.

But that makes sense, actually... now that I think about it. I moved here in January 2009, my company was recruiting me me for about a year before that... so the pressure started around the time of my second rape... and that's why I fought it extra hard. Weird that I never connected it before... all this place reminds me of is J and what he planned and did... and then to have the pressure to move back here for financial stability and security... no wonder it was so hard... no wonder this transition has been so fucking crazy... no wonder I've only slept with one person since my last rape. Because look at everything I'm in... what I've been in this entire time... these past two years... my entire past staring me dead in the eye... and moreso this past month, as you'll soon learn.

Life's all about the timing, kids. That ain't no joke. Or secret.

This world knows when we're ready to move on, even if we do or don't recognize it.

I had a feeling I was being pulled back here because my new work situation was going to, in some shape, way or form, lead me to J again. I didn't know how, but I knew there must be some thing, person, place or thing that was going to connect me to that piece of shit... because it's something that I've always wanted - to see his face again... but not so much for me to see him... HE needs to see ME.

And my eyes are beginning to water...

Strange I never connected the timing of this entire transition before... strange that I didn't see how impeccable the timing was of all these back-to-back events in my life... this move wasn't about a step up in the career world like I thought... it was about taking a step forward in my world.

You see, I know what it's like to feel so alone and angry and hurt and confused that you feel like you're walking on air because there isn't anything inside of you anymore to keep your feet on the ground... your heart and soul are rusted and wreaking havoc on your mind and body... you can't feel anything inside of you anymore. I know what it's like to live in a nightmare your entire life, wondering if you're ever going to wake up. I know what it's like to spend more time planning your exit from this world than all those fairy tale weddings your friends are all gushing about. That shit was make-believe. What was reality for me was growing up with an alcoholic father who showed his love with hate, and a mother who had survived enough of her own demons that she was only operating on one of two modes at any given moment - numb or automatic.

So, this place... moving back here... there's a lot bad memories of bad things I couldn't escape from. All this place reminds me of is all the fucked up shit I went through and, ultimately, survived. Yes, there are good memories, too, but the bad ones - the ones that force you to question whether or not there is a God... the experiences you endure that make death seem like a dream... those memories outnumber the good memories.

In case you didn't catch that - the bad OUTNUMBERS the good. So even when I do try to focus on the good, it takes me a while to find it. My mind has to switch gears, dust off her life jacket, and swim through a sea of bad files in her memory bank to get to one good one. And more often than not, even that one good memory I have, I can't really remember it as clear as the bad ones. It's foggy... hazy... blurry... and then I begin doubting if it was ever even a real memory at all, or if it was just something my mind made up to survive the bad... if it was one of those "good places" I took myself to when things got bad... a place I'd escape to in my mind while I waited for another storm to pass.

It's a difficult thing to remember your childhood and not know if the good stuff was ever even real, or if it was just a dream, or a wish, or a fantasy that you had to conjure up just to survive your environment and experiences.

That, my friends, is as real as it gets.

I still can't believe I found my rapist one month ago.

The one who fucked up my life with his plan to rape me on my birthday. That was the one experience that always made me burn and crash, and each time I would burn longer and crash harder than the last time. I just found him on February 3rd. And on Valentine's Day, I found an address.

And it also occurred to me the weekend I found his address, when a very close friend said to me: "Either way you need to take the steps to let it go because life is precious," that I've spent HALF of my life trying to find this waste of skin. This guy that I could never get out of my head... his face and those eyes branded in my memory forever... that entire night replaying like a God damn broken record, interrupting my life at exact moment I was regaining control and feeling happy again... it hit me like a bolt of lightening that in finding my rapist, I found myself again.

I just found the last piece of the puzzle. And I can feel it being set right in its proper place. And it's emotional, and it's confusing, and it's draining... but my rapist isn't affecting me like he did all those years before. This last piece of the puzzle that I just found... it's the world giving me back what he took from me. I finally have permission to share all my life's truths... I just need a minute to catch my breath.

All this had to happen just the way it did because if it happened any other way, I wouldn't be here now... yet... so finding him a month ago... as random and quick as it was... and now having an address... it's not about revenge, it's about understanding and forgiveness and moving forward with all of my nonprofit work to help other survivors of rape and sexual abuse... to make this world a better place for everyone in it... to raise awareness and understand why it's so hard to charge, and convict, rapist... and to continue working to change that.

I thought I was ready before, but each time I tried to take one step forward, the world pushed me two steps back. And it wouldn't ever make sense because I know what I was meant to do - why I survived so much fucked up shit - the sexual abuse as a kid, the rapes, the drugs, too many near-death experiences with car accidents and suicide attempts. I know, in my heart of hearts, the bigger reason I survived all my shit, but what I didn't know was why the world wasn't letting me move forward with any of it. I couldn't figure out what else I had to learn because I felt so solid - the most solid I had ever been in my entire life.

And there was my first mistake.

It wasn't a lesson I had to learn that was the reason I was being held back.

It was a piece of myself I had to find before I could move forward.

So, on that note, goodnight readers.

And fuck you, Jay.

I WIN.

Karma's a bitch.

Timing is Everything

It's hard for me to hold back my tears right now.

It's been a long week. Still numb from my new reality, yet again.

The one thing that I can't stop thinking about is how sexual abuse and rape is a running theme in my life. It's my life's common denominator. From when I was just a little girl, knowing that being naked with this person was weird, but not knowing if it was right or wrong.

And then my dad being the way he was growing up. And my mom - hitting me because my dad hit her... even after the nights when I would provoke him to go after me so he wouldn't go after her... because I was stronger, and I knew I could handle it. What I couldn't handle, though, was watching her being waved around like a rag doll. So I would provoke him. And I would wake up sore and bruised in the mornings... and go to school like nothing happened... because I had to pretend like nothing happened... and then I would come home only to do it all over again.

I'm pissed. I'm sad. I'm alone.

That sexual abuse when I was a little girl was what put me over the edge before my last suicide attempt - my tenth, to be exact. The one that landed me in the ER... it was the year my Grandma died, if you remember from my earlier posts - you would have to go back to 2006, I think. I broke down, started yelling, "You know what you did! You did this!" ... and then everything since then came flooding back... my dad growing up - his alcoholism, all of the abuse that came along with that... then my first rape - the ER was before my second rape... and then I opened my cupboard, took out all the bottles on my shelf, lined them up on my counter very methodically, and took them all in groups of threes. And then I cleaned my apartment, paid my bills and laid down with a picture of my Grandma next to me. I was at peace... because I took the steps necessary to be at peace forever. I didn't know if I was going to wake up. I wondered if I would be able to have the same heart, soul and thoughts, but would be reincarnated in a different body... I didn't know what was going to happen. Just that I couldn't do it anymore... live this life alone.

There is a show called Private Practice that I'm currently addicted to. I had never seen it before a few months ago - my birthday month - in November. I didn't know what it was about, what the episode was about... but it was on right after one my long time favorite shows - Grey's Anatomy. It came on, and I just started watching.

I watched the first episode two weeks before my birthday, which is the anniversary of my rape. This episode was about a woman, Charlotte, who was beaten and raped in her office. I was glued to the tv... couldn't stop crying and shaking with fear, pain and anger... my emotions were in control...

Ever since that first episode, I've recorded and watched every episode since. I'm hooked, because that woman's story is mimicking mine. I wasn't beaten by my rapist like she was, and like so many of you rape survivors have been. No, mine was planned by the one guy that was supposed to take care of me that night... at my own birthday party. He promised my best friend he would take care of me. She wanted to spend the night with her boyfriend, so she left me... to go fuck him at his place. She said she'd pick me up in the morning.

Tonight's episode was about Charlotte (the character's name, the survivor) confronting her rapist, and forgiving him.

I just found my rapist one week ago - Thursday, February 3rd.

And in this week's episode, Charlotte's rapist appears into her life - he shows up in the hospital where she works... and she's given a choice - if she wants her friend to kill him - because he's the doctor that is going to operate on him... or if she wants him to save him.

She confronts her rapist, and she forgives him.

Timing is everything.

Something bigger than me is going on. There are too many coincidences that are pointing to now being the time I do this... confront my rapist, and put all my sexual abuse and assaults behind me forever.

I just don't know how I'm going to do it.

What am I going to do when I see him? What am I going to say?

I need a plan.

And, not only that, but there was a time, around the middle/end of January, when I returned from a vacation... which was January 17th... that week, I think... I think it was the week I returned from my vacation... that this "Believe" picture kept falling down in my bathroom. It's not hanging on the wall - it's resting on top of my toilet, leaning against the wall... but the entire time I've lived here - since July - and since I've had that thing resting in my bathroom in that spot, it has NEVER moved or fallen. Yet, it fell down twice... almost like there was another force or energy that made it fall down - and the second time it happened, it kind of freaked me out because I felt like the world was, now, definitely trying to tell me something. And since then, I've had it resting on the floor, because I know that whatever is pulling me to end this part of my life once and for all is exactly what made that believe picture fall down twice... I just didn't know this was around the corner, at the time.

The picture reads:

BELIEVE: Hold on to what is good, even if it is a handful of earth. Hold on to what you believe, even if it is a tree that stands by itself.

Another strange coincidence: I have a things with trees. When I was in the fourth grade, I wrote a book about trees, and my teacher was so impressed that she asked me to read it in front of the class to all classes fourth grade and younger. I still have that book right here, actually. And when I was on my vacation, we spent most of our time at the infinity edge pool of the killer house we rented, and there was one very significant tree that stood out... and I kept staring at that tree... even telling my friends, "There's something about that tree. I don't know what it is... I want to know more about it..."

The second time this picture fell down, I knew the world was trying to tell me something. I picked it up, said, "Okay, I get it. I will believe." And I set it down on the floor and just contemplated what, exactly, was going to happen... what was going to change... because that trip, in itself, changed my entire life to the core... I KNEW that something was going to be different when I returned... I'll have to share more about the trip later... the small things that led up to that trip being possible, and the things that happened on that trip - it was life changing... my therapist says I had a spiritual awakening there...

I'm exhausted. Just had to get some things out of head and onto this thing... I'm so drained from just finding him... all I can think about is how I'm going to confront him, and what I'm going to say...

I feel like I'm preparing for the biggest battle of my life.

Except it's a battle I've already won.

My head knows that.

But my heart has never felt it.

So now, my heart is feeling way too much to be able to deal with anything more that laying on my couch and watching tv or movies.

I recorded last night's episode of Private Practice... just saw it... and can't stop thinking about how the timing of everything right now is just insane. She just confronted her rapist and forgave him.

I wonder what I will say and do.

What would you say and do?

I asked you before, dear survivors, if you could ask your rapist anything, what would it be??

I'm not only doing this for me, I have to do this for all those survivors out there who have never gotten a chance to confront their abuser, to look him in the eye again, and know that he can't hurt them anymore.

It's been FIFTEEN YEARS.

I still can't believe I found that fucker.

After fifteen years...

I FOUND HIM

Just found my rapist - the first one.

The one who FUCKED UP MY LIFE.

He was my first everything.

I woke up to his tongue shoved my throat.

I just found him on facebook.

I searched his name before but never found him.

I talked to private investigators to find him.

I don't know what to do.

I JUST FOUND HIM.

AND I CAN'T STOP CRYING.

I'M A FUCKING MESS.

EVEN TYPING THIS IS BLURRED BECAUSE I'M A FUCKING MESS.

I FUCKING KNEW IT.

I KNEW I WOULD FIND HIM THIS YEAR.

I FUCKING KNEW IT.

Checking back in...

Wow, I hadn't realized it's been that long since I've written... life has been more than busy.

Something happened two weeks ago that has my rape circling around in my head again. It was with a new guy I just started seeing... it's such a long, confusing story, that I can't even begin to get into it now... I'm still digesting it... processing it... trying to still sort out how I feel about everything... we haven't spoken a word since he dropped me off that night... after one of the most confusing weekends of my life. No text, email, smoke signal... nothing... it's too weird if we never speak again and clarify all that happened, but maybe that's all that it was meant to be... time will tell...

Now that I'm moved into my new place as of last week, and have internet and cable now, I can get back into life again... a routine like I had before this move 18 months ago...

Ok, amigos... love you all... be back soon... :)

If you could ask your rapist one question...

raped twice. the first = insane... the second = recent.... actually, few years ago... not that recent, I guess...

... even more recent: emailed him (he was a "friend") saying we need to have a convo about our last night together... and that I hoped he would man up and meet me halfway. he responded right away, ready to answer any & all of my questions...

for you, another survivor...

Im curious what you would want to ask your rapist/attacker... besides the hardest question of all - "WHY?" ....

one things for sure... my brain and heart are working overtime with how to have this convo with him, but I have a grip on it. Im handling it, and am not worried or scared or nervous. Im ready. I fully understand the reality and depth of what I'm about to do, but Ive never been more ready...
so, dear survivor, if you never had this opportunity, but always wished you did... what would you want/need to know???

what a long, shit day.

it's been one of those days... the heart's a little tired, write it out... questioning why I moved here. doubting my choices. thinking about... missing old relationships - the past is familiar, it feels safe, I've been there, I know what it's all about, what to expect, how I feel, cant get screwed if you know what to expect... curious, wondering, thinking about new relationships - the only constant is change, and you need change to grow. convos with bosses circling in my head all day. unsure why I'm here doing this job, considering... trying to read between the lines with whatever my real job is... sleepless nights again... one month... its all good, though... life isn't the same anymore, it's better... ive learned to prioritize with resting my head and heart when needed... takin it easy... no pressure... it's life, it is what it is... everyone goes through their own personal shit, and everyone will judge & assume... the grass is always greener... but reality is when it happens to you... and so... now... I'm back, all in with open arms... bigger, better... winning! finally, its about fucking time... why have I been pushed/pulled back here? not analyzing, just thinking... feeling... someone once told me that the hardest thing about being a (nonfiction) writer is that, more often than not, you find yourself observing life versus living life... I've lived plenty of lives thus far that I've become quite the expert at doing both simultaneously... its exhausting, sometimes, you know - being back here... but not in a bad way... in an interesting, curious, fascinating, kid-in-a-candy-store kind of a way... as much as I fought it (another habit - I'm a fighter... it can be good, but also not so good sometimes)... I've got to stick with the choice... commit, dammit! that's weird... since when do I EVER commit?!... whatever it is, regardless of how long and hard I fought it... the world says nope, you gotta go... with a stronger heart... clearer, different eyes... this is where I'm supposed to be... befriending the enemy? once and for all? thought that's what round one was all about... then the car accident... even the cop, my new bff, was amazed at how I made it through... gave me his email address so I could, one day, send him the story... "it's just another chapter in my book," I told him... that was then... and now... it's just another wave... life will keep happening in waves, the highs and lows, the good and bad... it has to in order for there to be some kind of balance in our lives... life's waves will keep washing away the old and bringing forth the new... that's how it's supposed to work... it all evens out in the end... it has to... and it will... it always does... just like brother said, there's now smoke, soon fire...

wow. that's weird. I never ramble.......... :)



... recently sent the below email to big brother... good reminder for myself, and anyone else that needs a little kick in the ass every now and again... today's been a long, shit day... but tomorrow's a new one... live each day as a separate life...
______

everyone will always have an opinion about how you should live your life and the choices youve made along the way... its inevitable - plenty of ridiculous people and relationships have taught me that.

the tricky part is being able to separate life's static, aka irrelevant bs, from the work you know you were meant to do.

you cant let what others fail to see blind you, too.

stay strong and keep the faith that you'll get there... its not always about the goal - sometimes, its about the process. nobody said this life stuff was going to be easy... and God never gauranteed a solid deadline for ultimate happiness... as long as you keep making the choices to get you there, thats all that matters.

who is going to support you in your endeavors is never clear. people you think should "get it" more often that not, don't get it. that doesnt mean your pursuit is not worth the hard work or all the focus you're putting towards it.

big moves take big faith and big work.

you'll be fine.

and to all the haters: in one ear, and out the other.

now get to work. and kill it.

go fight win.

love you
xo

Victim or Survivor?

Question: Do you identify yourself as a victim or a survivor?

My Answer:

A favorite quote: "IF YOU'RE GOING THROUGH HELL, KEEP GOING." Remember that... it's helped me through the worst of my worst.

Raped twice. The first was insane - years ago... a friend of a friend. Never met him before that night, but saw him almost every day after that. It was planned... the way he acted all night - the things he was saying and doing... afterwards, it all made sense. I was his target. Lucky me. The second rape: A guy I used to work with... a "friend." Awesome.

I have a blog, too, which has helped me purge every dirty little secret. It's anonymous. Only a few close friends have the site address. My other readers? All survivors from all over the world… different cities, states, countries, continents… of all ages, shapes and sizes... some readers are boyfriends or husbands of women who have been assaulted/raped... others are lost and confused parents, searching for an understanding of what their daughter is going through... others are friends of a survivor... and some just randomly stumble onto my blog... and... low and behold... have a secret to tell, too. It happened to them, or someone they know. The overwhelming emails, messages and comments from all these readers, being so grateful for sharing my story and experiences… they don’t feel alone anymore… they have a little more faith… a little more strength… a guarantee that they, too, can make it through the dark and be happy, healthy and whole again. Every message I receive from every single reader wraps my heart with overwhelming emotion… this is what I’m here to do… help you live to see another day. Because life is too great and too grand to not live it right this one chance we get.

The most important thing that has aided me in my ultimate daily survival is knowing I am not alone. Unless you have been the target of such a horrible, defeating, scary crime, there is no way to fully understand it.

Boyfriends have left me, not wanting to touch me after they know the truth... others have wanted more sex, almost as if it was a turn on. Of course, they don't get it... and then the breakup follows soon afterward... I sure know how to pick 'em.

I've had friends pick fights with me, telling me I "should just be friends with actual victims then"... some "don't appreciate me trying to look like a victim" and others say I’m “punishing them for living normal lives.” What does all that really mean? Fuck if I know; I’ve never associated myself with that word – victim… can’t stand that word, actually. I was a survivor long before I was raped.

Another’s misunderstanding, insensitivity and disrespect is not my problem - it's their problem.

I don’t hate these people for saying and doing these things… I’m actually grateful, for it has forced me to do a little more soul searching, and befriend the real enemy. People come and go in our lives for a reason, and sometimes, when someone loves you so much and is at a loss of what to say/do, because they see the pain you are living… well, love hurts. But it’s still love, regardless. It takes two to tango.

Truth #1: When people in your life say/do things like this, you begin to feel defeated all over again… but then you learn to create boundaries & distance to keep fighting the fight - a fight that they, obviously, cannot (and maybe never will) understand... and it's not your job to help them understand. It's your job to stay alive. And survive the past by living in the present... so you can have a happy, healthy & successful future.

Truth #2: EVERYONE will fall victim to something at some point in their life... to be naive about this is unrealistic. I only say this because we, as humans, living this one life we're given... we can't live it to the fullest until it's almost taken away from us... until we are, literally, staring death in the face. Whatever this experience is... it's different for all of us, as we are all different people living our individual lives in our own way. It could be a family death for one person, a rape for another, a car accident for another... whatever it is... the life-altering lesson will always be the same... you begin to search for a purpose, a greater understanding… life suddenly has value… you stop taking things and people for granted… you finally learn who and what you need to achieve your own ultimate happiness. Survival of the fittest.

Darwin was onto something...

Victim and Survivor stem from the same idea - it's all about perspective. Once you begin to learn how to change your perspective, each step gets a little less heavy... it gets a little easier to put one foot in front of the other and keep moving on... remembering it's ok to stop and rest along the way... this life isn't going anywhere... unless we let it.

We were given this life and these experiences because... well... that's for each individual to answer for him/herself... based on your own dreams, hopes & desires. Wishing you were dead all the while you are alive is no way to guarantee a future. I know, I've spent almost my entire life trying to finish myself. Too many attempts to count anymore... the last one: I woke up in an ER. Life was forever changed. Again.

I don't care what others think, see or feel about me... or my experiences. I used to. HELL YES, I used to. But now... this is my life… my reality. And I’m owning it. All my experiences, good and bad, have made me who I am today. And I am not alone. As fucked up, shitty and as PISSED OFF as I get hearing about other beautiful hearts & souls having to endure this awful experience... the truth is, we are not alone.

There is nothing worse than feeling alone in this world. It's a scary, fucked up world... and nobody should ever have to live it without the love, support and understanding of others.

You are not alone... I'm here. We are all here. We all know how fucking hard, scary, painful and awful it is to face our new reality.

Sooo... to all survivors, new and old... to those who have a grip on what's happened... and to those who are still searching... all I can do is BEG you to not give up. I've spent half my life denying the truth, running away from it, letting it control my life to the point where death was my best friend...

To know I wasn't alone... to know I wasn't going crazy... to know that everything I was feeling - or not feeling, for that matter - was okay... normal... I'm finally normal. Thank God.

When you're raped, someone has taken your life away without your permission... you're used, abused and thrown away. All they want is your body. And when they are done with it, they throw it away for whoever else wants it. And after a while, you begin to feel like that's all you’re good for - a body. Nothing inside worth caring about or paying attention to... that was how I felt, anyway... only good for sex. Nothing else.

It's a struggle to flip the perspective from Victim to Survivor... you have to re-learn how to live your life again.... how to communicate with people, how to do normal everyday things you used to do without being scared, paranoid or fearful of being attacked again... nobody can be trusted... nobody else gets it, unless you've been raped.

Relearning how to live again is not something that happens overnight. Remember that. So don't be hard on yourself. You're already living and surviving so much more than you can see and feel. You’re still here, aren’t you? That’s proof enough for me.

Learning how to survive your rape is like:

... peeling off the layers to an onion... the skin is easy, it peels right off... clear... barely there... what everyone around you sees... but then you peel of the first layer... and the second... the tears begin to come... the closer you get to the core, the harder it is... you have to remember to stop, let yourself catch your breath... wipe away the tears because if there are too many tears, it's too blurry... you can't see - and you need to see to move forward... you can’t keep walking in the dark, teary-eyed, or you'll fall down again... and your body is too bruised, broken and tired from falling down - you can thank your rapist for that... so fuck him, you're going to stand up because you still have your heart and soul - you still have what’s inside... he took your body but didn’t touch your heart and soul... and so, as you continue to peel of the layers, you're going to take your time, as long as it takes... and catch your breath, wipe a tear... and peel off another layer... this time a little slower because now you know what it's like to get rid of these life layers... and you're learning how it makes you feel every time you shred a little piece here or there... The most important thing to remember: You are feeling again… whatever it is, whatever the emotion – anger, pain, defeat, regret, anxiety – whatever it is, feel it… once and for all. You have to go through the bad to get the good. Everything happens in waves. This might be a bad wave, but another one is on the horizon… so feel, let it all go… and let the water wash away this one because the next wave will be worth it…

Be patient, dear survivors. And pllleeease take care of yourselves. NONE of you are alone... I'm here if you ever need to talk, as are so many others. I, too, counsel other survivors when I can... Life is definitely hard, but it's not impossible... nothing in this world is impossible. NOTHING. Surviving is our right. It's the one and only thing we are guaranteed when we're given this life - a right to survive.

Love you all... and promise me you'll keep fighting the fight…

Raped-Version vs Real-Version

My last suicide attempt was September 2006... if you go back in my blog that far, I think there's even a post when I returned from the hospital.

Cops were at my house, paramedics soon afterwards, put me on a stretcher and wheeled me out to the ambulance... all kind of tests on the way... ER for the rest of the day and night. My brother and cousin drove out to my house the next day and talked me into staying with my brother for a while.

But lately, over the past year or so, I've been noticing that they treat me much differently now than before all that. It makes sense, of course, but I'm much better now - I don't know how else to get that point across. My life's done a 180 since the ER bullshit... stable job, stable income, debt paid off... I'm solid. I'm good.

But even though they know I have all that, it still feels like they treat me like a broken little girl... someone who is always "thinking too much," or "depressed/moody"... they can't see the change, and it's apparent in more recent life conversations we've had.

Don't know how to really explain it. They just talk to me differently... like they're talking down to me, as if they still see that lost, fucked up girl who tried to kill herself... and I always feel like I'm ganged up on - it's two of them against me when it comes to "how I am"... they support each other and I'm automatically wrong... I hate it. I can never win...

I'm starting to realize that maybe I don't want anyone to know the real me anymore. Maybe I've done things all wrong to date... instead of opening up and trusting, maybe I should keep my life to myself and live however I see fit. If I talk about things, I'm complaining, depressed or acting like a victim. If I don't talk about things, I'm stubborn, moody and selfish. What the fuck is that about? I don't know how to deal with this shit. I'm tired of feeling like so many relationships in my life are such work... and why am I even trying anymore?? Like I'm always fighting to be understood... as if some people don't want to see the change in my life because where I was before was comfortable... for THEM. And now that I'm much different, they don't know what to do or how to handle it. But I don't know how much of that I believe, either.

I wonder how my relationships would be different had I never been raped... how would people treat me differently if they never knew?... how would I be different if it never happened?... better at dating, that's for sure... and trusting... and less paranoid about certain situations and people...

I don't know what I'm rambling about anymore. I keep having this nagging feeling like no matter how hard I try, there are some people that just can't, or won't, see the change. It's disappointing and frustrating. And it hurts.

Rape has a very, very strange afterlife... it never completely goes away. It's an experience that shakes your entire being to the core... life as you know it is never the same... you have to adjust and adapt to your new world...

I don't know if there will be people in my life who will always see the raped-version or the real-version of myself. And by raped-version, I mean the confused, broken, depressed girl who was struggling with reality... maybe there will always be some people who won't see anything else...

Am I crazy?

Am I making sense?

I'm curious, have you ever felt like, no matter how hard you try, there will be those who will never see the change...?

Doing Coke

Haven't written in a while... but doing coke... randomly...

Just wanted to say hi...

More later...

Crossroads

I'm at a weird place in my life. This post most likely won't make much sense. I'm tired, stressed out and sad.

I might have to move soon for work, but unsure if that's what I really want. So if I decide to not go through with it, then I'm back at square one with looking for another job, and if that happens, it won't be here... I'll be moving somewhere else, just not where my job wants me to move to. I don't feel like my bosses really understand how much I do and go through for this job. How much I deal with on a daily basis. How all of the guys talk about me, hit on me, tell other guys that they've hooked up with me. I'm a piece of meat at that company, and I know that. But it's the price I pay for getting paid what I get paid, yet I still feel like it's not enough, especially because I do everything by myself. No help. No assistants. No one else by my side. I do it all. But I'm beginning to feel like I'm not getting financially compensated for it. I need the financial security. And I'm afraid that I may be waiting forever if I stay with this company. Yet, I've been included in their profit-sharing program, and the client I work for within my company is our most lucrative client. There is incredible growth for potential, yet I don't know when the growing will actually begin. I feel stuck. I don't want to relocate where they want me to. But I don't know if that may be the big change I need... but even with that being said, something about that move just doesn't feel right to me. I don't know why. Something's missing.

Another failed relationship. This is what's really bothering me. This is what is really discouraging me. I don't understand why things never work out. He's so good at the apologies, but that's just it... I'm tired of him saying he's sorry for this or that, and telling me things like how he knows he's been an asshole, and that I deserve better. What is about me that gets involved with these assholes that are so good at taking advantage, and being completely selfish and ruthless when other's feelings are involved? I don't understand it. I don't get it. I'm tired of these fucking games. On one hand, I'm trying to be the bigger person, be forgiving, give people second chances, accept people just as they are... yet I feel like instead of that being matched and appreciated, it's taken advantage of until I'm made to look like "that girl"... that girl who is being played, except she doesn't see it until it's too late.

I thought it was going to work with this one. The way we met, how I met everyone in "his life" so soon, how open we were with each other... but then it changed, as it always does. I just want to be with a good person. A good person with a good heart who makes me laugh, makes me feel safe... someone I can be 100% around... someone who can handle my past, and can love me anyway because of it... someone who just "gets" me. I feel like I've paid my dues. I've been through enough shit, muscled enough bad experiences, have had my fair share of awful relationships to know that he has to be out there somewhere... I just don't know where. And I'm not the kind of girl who goes looking for this kind of thing. I'm the kind of girl who takes care of herself first and foremost, does whatever she wants and needs to have a good and happy life, and people will come and go, like the days and seasons... good and bad things will keep happening because that's life... I'm the kind of girl that is so fascinated with life that I dare not risk anything to not live it to the fullest. I just wish I could meet someone who loved to live as much as I did, and someone who has as much love to give as I do.

There is one man that I always wonder about... always wonder if we will end up back together... if we are meant to be... and as soon as I talk myself away from him, out of the friendship because it's just too hard to always wonder "what if"... he pops back into my life. He is the one I have bene most compatible with, the only one I can be myself around, no matter what - good or bad. I do not fear he will judge me, because he never has, and I know he never will. He is a good, honest man. But I can't wait any longer. We dated years ago, and after almost five years, I have to walk away from him because I have to let go for good. Yet, when we do walk away from each other, we always end up back in touch somehow, in some way. I can't tell what's more difficult... to be "just friends" or be nothing at all.

I'm so confused. Tired. And frustrated, discouraged and confused all over again.

I need to know what to do... what decision to make... I need a sign... been weighing all the negatives and positives of every possible direction I can take with my life, and it's all equal... one path not being btter or worse than the other... it's just a matter of figuring out where my heart lies... and my heart has no idea...

Goodnight...

Family Ties

I'm at my Grandmother's house right now. She passed away March 31, 2006. Last time I came out here for a visit was Christmas the same year. It's been a year and a half since I've made the trip. And it's not even far. I just haven't done it. And I don't know why.

I told myself a few days ago that no matter how busy I am, I have to make time for my family, for these visits, because no one knows you like your family.

But now that I'm here again, visiting only for the second/third time in two years, I'm wondering if even they really know me.

I don't know if it's true that because you have the same DNA, you automatically understand and accept everyone in your family. But I'm wondering about the flipside: If I will ever be understood and accepted by all of them.

I want to tell them about the rapes and how things have been, but I can't - I come from a different culture... a culture where I would be blamed for what happened because women are supposed to be submissive and obedient... a culture where women have no say in their way of life... they just live as they are told.

I thought - I WISHED - I'd have different internal reactions to certain situations I knew I would be in... but instead, I'm realizing I'm just growing more and more frustrated at how some things will never change. But isn't the only constant supposed to be change?

I wish the fights didn't happen... I wish some would drop their drama and get back to their normal relationships... I wish some wouldn't go out of their way to make inappropriate comments at the wrong time in front of the wrong people... I wish I didn't feel like I have to hide stuff to just preserve the peace... but most of all, I wish I didn't feel like some people were so fake with each other...

I just get so tired of feeling like everything is so make believe around here... too tired to write more... going to finish my wine, watch tv and get some sleep.

Rule #1: Trust Yourself

I think it's safe to say I'm over this new guy I've been dating. I know I just wrote how much I liked him, but after I met with my therapist today, I know I have to trust my gut instead of what I hope will be... hoping because I think there's something I should do differently to make it work... something I should do because I feel like I have to fix everything... fix everything around me because I can't fix myself...

But I'm not broken.

My trust is broken - yes.
My motivation to try another relationship is broken - yes.
My faith that there are still good-natured, whole, real people out there is broken - yes.

Or maybe these are the things that don't necessarily need fixing... they just a little reconstructive surgery... a fresh outlook... a new beginning...

Ironically, my biggest struggles are the things I value the most about myself - is that even possible? The fact that I am a very trusting and loyal person - but I have such a hard time trusting others... My motivation to help others in their recovery to finding a better life after rape - but I sometimes find myself lacking the motivation I'm so ready and able to provide... And reminding others that anything is possible if you keep faith in your strength and courage to overcome anything... but I sometimes feel like I have the least amount of faith in myself.

I like this new guy, but I know myself much better now. I've done a shitload of self-reflection and emotional purging of my biggest, scariest life demons these past few years (as you'll notice from my early posts). I know I'm a completely different person - a better, safer, more solid woman and human being because I can FEEL it. I can feel myself actually experiencing Life in the moment. The emotion felt is besides the point - anger, happiness, sadness, pain, confusion, frustration, love - whatever it is, it doesn't matter. The point is that I am finally letting myself feel everything. That's when you know you are really alive, in my opinion... when you know you've earned your space in this World... when you can actually stop and feel yourself living every possible emotion Life throws at you. Not letting feeling my most horrific life experiences when they happened is what led to my last suicide attempt (my ninth or tenth overdose, I can't even remember anymore, there's been so many)... this one landing me in the ER.

That's what happens when you experience Life to the black, hollow depths of rape and abuse. You shut yourself down emotionally to survive mentally until you've been shut down for so long that you can't function anymore... long enough to see suicide as a step up instead of a step underground.

The things that bother me about this new relationship are things that can get better over time... if we actually stuck to our words and spent more time together. We always talk about how we want to hang out more, but it never happens. It's all talk, and I'm honestly realizing that I really don't know him well enough to keep trusting what he says. So I'm just over it. He'll say some nice little things here and there that temporarily make me push my relationship question marks aside, but in the end, when he says/does something that makes me question why I'm really pursuing this relationship, I'm back to my, "I should know better..." thought.

I've been through enough at this point... [clarification] I've survived enough in my life to know what I want... and who I want. I think we dated before, but I can't know for sure... still think about him from time to time, though... I suppose if it's meant to be, we'll find each other again. But for now, given all the recent drama I've had with all kinds of friends and boys, I think I just need time to let some nagging, bad-relationship vibes die so I can finally rebuild better, healthier ones.

That's all I can trust for now... just this invisible force that is pushing me to trust myself more than anyone else, especially a new guy that wants a relationship only when it's convenient for him... that's the exact opposite of a relationship. So it's done... I'm over it. And I feel much better... back to myself... and a little relieved, to be completely honest... relieved that I had enough faith and trust in myself to do the right thing for me, not for him.

Know When to Say When

It's definitely been a while since I've written... Life's been nuts since my last post, as you can imagine. As soon as I feel like things are getting better, something happens to spin me around again. The hardest thing about being a survivor, at this point in my life - 11 years since my first rape, eight months since I was raped again - is that no matter what, I feel like I'm still not accepted for who I am, inside and out. No matter how hard I try, I'm always doing something wrong, and blamed for this or that in the end... always leading to another damaged relationship. It feels like the ones I've trusted the most are the ones who end up hurting the most with their judgements and opinions regarding how I act, who I am, and the paths I choose in my life.

I've always handed others the benefit of the doubt, especially close friends, because in my book, the little shit doesn't matter if you're really that close and loyal. You don't judge the ones who mean the most to you. You support their choices, although you'd choose differently. I understand it's not my right to get down on others for living their lives the way they see fit, simply because I don't know what it's like to walk in their shoes... we all walk different paths, come from different backgrounds & upbringings... have different fears, hopes, dreams, anxieties... there are simply way too many factors involved that stare at you to accept what is, not to judge what is not.

I'm just sick and tired of feeling like I can't trust anyone anymore. If I share what is personal and important to me, I am judged and treated like a broken little kid for not healing in the ways they see fit. If I don't share these things, then I'm shutting people out and then that becomes an issue. Regardless, no matter what I say or do, there is always an issue that is created out of nothing... I feel like I'm becoming the target of so many people's insecurities and differences. I've run out of patience and am rapidly losing faith in people in general.

I don't know who I can trust because the minute I do, it feels like I just get stabbed in the back again. I don't understand how people, if they are really your friend, and if they really, truly care about you, can say such hurtful things like - I should just be friends with actual victims... I'm punishing them for living "normal" lives... what the fuck is that supposed to mean?

I'm beyond disgusted with the mentality of ignorant people, and even more disgusted that I've made such poor choices in who I thought I could trust. They say keep your friends close, but your enemies closer... and it seems like everyone who I thought was a friend has shown their true colors...

I don't know if this is making much sense, but I'm finally realizing how sad and disappointed I really am about all these friendships going wrong. I can't imagine using the most hurtful things about a person's life against them. I don't do that. I don't throw other's hurtful experiences in their face in a negative way to prove my own selfish point of view. I just don't understand it.

And I've been put in really bad situations at work lately, too. I've gotten yelled at by a few of my male co-workers for things that are their fault - one of them yelling his apology at me after realizing he was in the wrong, accusing me of fucking with his job - not appreciating that I'm going out of my way, above and beyond of what is my job to ensure all aspects of our project are running smooth for everyone involved, especially because some of their jobs have been threatened because they've fucked up. Another one yelling at me last week, threatening me that I haven't heard him yell yet, if I think he's yelling now - saying he's tired of everyone complaining and blah blah blah... when all I was doing was discussing how to better streamline orders, etc to reduce cost, especially because I am continuously asked why so much money is being spent on this or that, or why this person is making so many trips in one day to pick this up.

And then my boss yelled at me few weeks ago saying that I was controlling and didn't want to delegate things, simply because it's a control issue. Are you fucking kidding me? I'm running the office solo for a three year billion dollar project that is slated for final completion in six weeks. And when I asked to hire an assistant a year ago (when my last assistant moved away), I was told I couldn't hire anyone else, that I could handle it on my own. So at that time, I came to the conclusion that I HAD to find a way to just make it all work out somehow, by myself, no assistants, no help, nothing. And every time I entertained the thought of hiring another assistant, I knew I couldn't handle another year of potentials coming and going, considering the time it takes to interview, train, etc. only to have them leave just as soon I've invested half my time training... I just didn't have the time to do it... it was going to be much to take on at this late in the project... It all started when my co-worker (his status is just below my boss, but after my boss relocates soon, he will be my direct supervisor) wanted me to employ his wife in the office. This was a definite no for me - she hates me. She never talks to me, avoids me at company functions, is cold and uninviting whenever I'm around... why the fuck would I want her to be my assistant and more than that, do you really think she would accept me being her boss if she still doesn't like me after three years? There is no way it would work. So because of that, I don't want to delegate and am controlling. That's the biggest load of bullshit I've heard, considering my entire life has been about being put in situations that are without control... I lost a lot of respect for my boss after that conversation. In fact, I've lost respect for many people in my life lately, not just co-workers, but close friends who just disgust me now.

I know I can handle whatever is thrown at me, and I've had a lot of shit thrown at me in my life... but when is enough really enough? When do you draw the line from letting things slide off your back to walking away to preserve your sanity? What do you do when you are in a prime career position to make big moves for your future, yet you feel like you keep getting beat down time after time? What happens when you go out of your way to support your friends only to realize they were never a real friend to begin with?

All of these little things have been so frequent the past few years that they are piling up to an overwhelming internal confusing mess. I have never been this disgusted with the people in my life as I have been the past few months. On top of all this, I've been dating someone for a while now, someone I know I want to spend the rest of my life with... except I can't seem to trust him because of how much I've been hurt by the ones I thought I could trust. I know experiencing all kinds of relationships and knowing all kinds of people is a part of our Life's DNA... I just don't know what to do with it all right now. I just want it to get out of my life - all the bullshit, the drama, the assholes, the bitches...

Again, I have no idea what the hell I'm writing about... which is most likely evidence of how frustrated and confused I am with all these situations I keep getting thrown in. I feel like my communication skills have been challenged to the max lately, but again... when do you give up the fight for understanding & acceptance and just walk away from something/someone you've worked so hard for, only to see that, in the end, you were working all alone?

I've been a crying mess lately. The only one who made me feel whole again - my grandmother - is no longer alive, and I'm missing her now more than ever. She would be so happy to know that I've met someone I want to spend the rest of my life with, and she would say exactly what I need to hear in order to put things back in perspective... she would help me understand and wash it away to focus on the here and now. She would tell me how to let the hurt go. I've just been feeling really defeated lately... like I've been emotionally & mentally beat down so many times recently, one punch after another, that I've just given up on everyone.

Okay, rambling done.