Drained

I'm not sure how I'm doing. My health is in question and it's really, really scary. I know everything will be fine in the long run, but when you're in the heart of such a Life's Curveball kind of situation, it takes a while for the fog to clear long enough to know what the "right" decision is... but is there such a thing as a right or wrong decision if it's made by your heart? Can you really go that wrong if you just listen to what you're heart wants and needs to be healthy and safe again? I just have to listen to her. She's been really drained lately, but I just have to listen. Just rest, recharge my batteries, and listen. And the rest will follow.

I know I haven't been writing much lately, but I haven't been myself this past year. Everything has finally come to a head. Everything is different. Everything is new. Big changes. Everything before my trip to the ER is just a blur. A foggy, confusing, blinding haze. I haven't been myself. I wasn't myself with family, friends, people I secretly cared for.

And I felt something

wrong

inside of my
tired
little
body

but I never said anything to anyone because

I didn't want to know the truth.

I didn't want to be sick.

I don't who I've become this past year, but it hasn't been me. I know that for sure. When I was laying in that hospital bed, hooked up to all kinds of tubes and passing in and out of consciousness, I realized that I could not have made it through. But I'm still here for some reason or another.

I'm still here.

tired
sick
drained

but I'm still here.

And that's the most important thing.

Now, more than ever, as long and hard of a road it's going to be, I want to do whatever I can to be healthy again. I have to do whatever it takes for my heart's sake, because she almost gave up on me. She almost quit on me. I can't let her quit.

We're fighters, dammit.

NOT quitters.

So, my dear friends, whether you know me personally or not at all, I'm sorry if I have been difficult to deal with, "weird" or just plain confusing with actions and conversations. Because the truth is, it was all an act to mask what I was afraid was really wrong inside.

But that's just it... mask it long enough, ignore what you're mind, body and soul are trying to tell you, then your heart will continue running on empty until you listen to her, take care of her, and thus, ultimately, take care of yourself.

We have to take care of ourselves, first and foremost.

Do whatever it takes.

Do whatever you have to do to be

safe
healthy &
happy

because without those three things

we're all just

on the verge of quitting.

Boyfriend

I wish I had a boyfriend.

Especially after having days and nights in the Emergency Room like yesterday.

I don't know what makes me not "girlfriend material," but apparently I have something that just hasn't clicked with someone else.

I know when you want it, when you wish you had that love and support, when your heart needs that unconditional love and understanding, you can never find it.

It finds you.

It took me an hour to take a shower just now. I'm so wiped out. I can still see the marks all over my body where they put those stickers they plug in wires to monitor your heart rate, etc.

I don't know what's happened to me this year. I don't know what this world is putting me through.

I'm so drained and spent.

I wish I had a boyfriend who could come over and hold me, gently caressing the small of my back as I fall back asleep. Softly stroking my hair and holding me so I wouldn't have any nightmares.

I wish he was here, whoever he is... wherever he is...

Emergency Room

I just returned home from being in the Emergency Room all day and all night.

I can't talk about what happened.

At least not yet.

I don't think today's events have even hit me yet.

My body was here, (trying) to talk to the police, the paramedics, being wheeled out to the ambulance... hooked up to all kinds of tubes, lights in my eyes, questions I don't know the answers to...

I wish I could tell you what happened, but I'm afraid I can't.

Just glad to be home is all.

Can't wait to take a hot shower to wash today off of me.

Can't wait to go to sleep.

Please forgive me if I need to check out for a while... I didn't plan this... it just is what it is right now.

Goodnight.

AND PLEASE, SURVIVORS, ALWAYS TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOU.

Much Love Always

I'm Over It, Chapter 2

Emailed my ex telling him to forget about it. "I'm going alone. I'll be fine... I'm a big girl. I do appreciate your call, though."

I emailed another ex-boyfriend about a month ago telling him that I didn't want to keep in touch anymore. "You can't expect me to share my life with you if you're sharing yours with someone else."

I don't know if I'm going to see Jay anymore. I don't fucking care.

If I see him, I'm afraid I will kill him.

Slowly. I want him to suffer.

I'm discouraged again. Frustrated. Alone. Confused. Angry.

Very, very angry.

I can't figure out why.

The 10 year anniversary is in less than two months. And I feel like I'm back where I started.

I'm not sure if I'm really moving on from this. I'm not sure what else to do. I'm not really sure what needs to change or happen inside of me. But I need it to happen right now.

Highs and lows. I don't want medication. I don't want to talk anymore. I just want to, seriously, let it go. I don't think I can try any harder.

Nightmares again all last night.

I kept finding my friends... dead. I couldn't see their faces, but I saw dead hands and body parts sticking out of bushes and from behind things. I recognized clothing and jewelry to know it was this friend or that friend. It was dark, foggy, eerie, quiet. I had these dreams over and over again. Every time I went back to sleep, my nightmares started where they left off.

I don't know what's happening inside of my head.

Or my heart.

Tell me what's happening.

Tell me how to make it stop.

I just want to get on with my life. Pretending like it didn't happen isn't the way.

I know it's just an event that happened. I know it's a part of my life that I just have to accept and move on from.

I have been moving on... I'm doing really great in every other area of my life. But as soon as I walk through my front door, like today, it hits me: I'm unhappy and I don't know why.

I'm stuck. But I don't where or how to get myself unstuck.

I'm happy, fun, funny, outgoing all the rest of the time. But this is the truth.

I don't know what's happening with me and I just want it to stop.

I miss my Grandma. I haven't talked to my family in six months. I don't want to see them or talk to them. I have nothing to say. I wish my Grandma was still here.

I just want to disappear and start over.

Help.

Scrounging for Support

I emailed my ex-boyfriend to ask if he would go with me to confront my rapist:

...More importantly, though, I have a really weird and confusing favor to ask. I've been thinking about this for so long, but can't go alone, and have NO idea who I feel safe to take with me. But I'm going to actually see/confront Jay, my rapist. I don't have many details or a plan of action just yet. I just know I'm going. And I've known for years that I would see him again, just like I knew I would, someday, eventually, return to "the scene of the crime." Just revisited the house it all happened in, sat in his room... Don't ask me what that was like because I'm not even sure yet... I'm just kind of going with all this right now. Just taking it one step at a time.

My question to you is how you feel about going with me to see him. I don't think you would be remotely interested. And I will completely understand if that's the case. But my options are limited with who I can take, and even more limited with who might be understanding enough about me just needing to do this for my heart. That's all I know.

He lives in (State). You can meet me out there once I know when I'm going, and I will probably need to stay at least a few days. I feel more comfortable taking a guy with me... it's safer. I don't know how I will react when I see him there, or how he will react when he sees me. I'll understand if this random "favor" just makes you really uncomfortable. You don't have to answer now, of course, but please do let me know if you will at least think about it or not consider it at all. If not, then I beg you to let me know as soon as you can so I can start thinking about who else might be willing to go...

He called me today to talk to me about all of this. I wasn't going to answer his call because I didn't want to hear him tell me he can't go, like I had a feeling he might say. I just wanted him to email me, but that was the most frustrating thing for me when we were together - the lack of communication. I'm trying to be better about that. So I answered his call and we talked about why I want to do this.

He said he can tell that I've come a long way emotionally with everything (I also mentioned the fundraiser, Non-Profit and Retreat Center stuff we're trying to do). I said, "Well, yeah. A lot has been going on. It's been at least a few years, if not longer, since we've really spent any time together or talked. Life has been pretty unreal."

He asked if I was talking to anyone about doing this and I told him that I just started counseling last week to wrap my head around it because I know my head needs to be more stable about why I really feel like I have to see my rapist again. I said I didn't really have a "plan" of sorts just yet, and that's why I called my counselor again - because I have to figure out what my heart really needs/wants out of this confrontation.

I also told him that for all I know, I might change my mind. That I also can't pinpoint if I am secretly motivated because the anniversary is around the corner, and that might be another driving force because it's such a big one for me. And I've also been thinking that I might just need to check out for a while, at least until this anniversary comes and goes, before I can really wrap my head around taking this trip. "For all I know," I continued, "I could check back in with myself after that day and realize that I'm totally over it. Or I could find out that he might be dead by now. Or serving 25 to life because he finally got caught. I don't know..."

He asked me how long it's been since it happened. I didn't want to tell him, really. For some reason, I hate it when he asks me questions about my rape. I don't know why I feel this way with him, but I do. It's intimidating for me sometimes. But I said, "It'll be 10 years this year on my birthday." We also talked about the last time I saw my rapist, which was when I moved away from home for college.

I went on to say that I know how uncomfortable of a "favor" this must seem. And that I will totally understand if it makes him uncomfortable or if he just doesn't want any part of it. He said that a lot of what I'm talking to him about is true and he believes I'm doing this in the smartest way possible, meaning that I know I need help in stabilizing my head before I make this trip, and recognizing that I can't just go there and not have a "plan." I also mentioned to him that I most likely won't even want him to actually physically go with me to see him, that I just think I need to know someone is there waiting for me when I get back because I don't know how I'm going to be after confronting him.

I told my ex that I don't know if I answered any of his questions or if he has any more for me, and that I hope this all helps him to kind of understand why I might need to do this... and that I'm still trying to understand it all myself. "I don't have any questions for you, (Missing Link)," he said. "I'm not asking you anything at all. I just really want us to keep talking about this. I want us to keep an open dialogue about what's going on. I never had any questions. That's not why I called you. I just want us to keep talking."

He said he doesn't really want to say yes right away, but he really doesn't want to say no right away, either. That he just really needs us to keep talking to each other, that he needs us to keep an open dialogue about what's happening and where we're at.

And how do I feel about our conversation? I don't know. I just feel exposed and naked again, like I'm going to just sit here and wait for him to decide if he can do this with me or not. More waiting and hoping that I'm worth someone's else support. THAT'S how I really feel. Like I'm not worth his yes. I know that's not the case. I know that I'm still trying to figure it all out and until I have it figured out on my end, I can't expect anything from anyone.

Our cell phones were cutting in and out throughout our conversation, and I have no voice right now because of how sick I've been the last few days, so our conversation was a little scratchy. So after my phone died, I texted him, "Phone died. Thanks for the call. Will try to keep checking in with you but can't make any promises. Think I just need to let the anniversary pass and see where my head's at..."

For some reason, I just feel like a total idiot for ever asking him to do this with me.

I don't know if I regret it or not.

... only time can tell.

I just wish I knew why I have to see my rapist again so badly. I don't know... I just do. My heart just needs this...

Dating/Intimacy After Rape

"The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well!" Joe Ancis

Most of the time, I feel like I should "be over it" by now. Like my rape happened so long ago that it should be in the past and it should still not effect me in the ways it sometimes still does, especially when I feel my heart beginning to care about someone.

I went out of town this last weekend for my best friend's bachelorette party (think it's going to take me another day or two to fully recover!) I met someone on this trip my first night there. Jeremy. It was fun for us to flirt with his crew and party the night away. But when I was ready to finish the night with the rest of my girls, he wouldn't let me go. Literally. I kept saying it was fun to hang with him but I was ready to take off with the rest, that our weekend was just beginning. But everytime I turned to walk away, he would grab my arms and not let go. He wanted a kiss, so I quickly pecked one on his cheeck and when I turned around again, he grabbed my arm and pulled me back in. I didn't let him kiss me. I was starting to get really uncomfortable with how tight his grip was on me, and how he just would not let me leave. I kept watching my girls walk away and I didn't want to be stranded, especially with a random guy who thought I owed him something. What was really getting under my skin was how he kept saying, "Why are you being weird? I just want to spend more time with you. I don't know why you keep acting like that. You're being really weird and I don't know why."

I wasn't acting like anything. I was drunk, but not so drunk that I was going to ditch my best friends for this character. He kept getting more forceful. His grip on my arms kept getting tighter and tighter each time I tried to walk away. I was starting to get antsy, and pissed. I didn't owe this fucker anything. And HE was getting irritated with me, asking me over and over why I was "being weird" with him. When I finally walked away, I had red marks on each arm where he held tight. I just wanted to be with my friends again.

This is how it is for me since my rape. What may be "weird" for the "normal guy" is my normal now. I can't help it if I start to panic a little or if I need to just run away. I can't help it if I start "acting weird" because the truth of the matter is, you never really know who you can trust anymore.

I know I can get paranoid and scared. I know that in order to just preserve my sanity, I'd rather turn around and walk away forever. It's much easier than facing the truth. It's much easier to just close your eyes and pretend like you don't want to be someone, like you don't care about being alone when, in reality, you're acting like you don't care because then you can't get hurt. Anything to keep your heart from hurting anymore than she has to, especially because you're just now learning how to accept and process something as confusing and painful as your rape.

Dating is even more difficult for me because my rapist was first experience with a man. Because a majority of my experiences with men since early childhood have been unsafe and fearful, my mind, body & heart have all learned to "stay away" from men altogether. I'm trying to change that, but old habits die hard. It just takes time. And more that I have to remember to take it one step at a time, I have to remember to just be patient with my heart. If something doesn't feel comfortable or right for some reason, I need to pay attention to that. I can't just keep turning around and walking away because then I WILL be alone forever. And who wants that?

My greatest struggle with dating is communicating when something confuses me or makes me uncomfortable. Instead of openly asking questions or sharing why something bothers me, I assume he should just be able to read my mind and understand without needed a long, drawn-out discussion. And I hate The Talks every relationship needs to have in order to successfully and continuously progress in the same direction. The way I see it, if it's meant to be, it'll just happen... he'll just know what do and make it work.

But I'm realizing this is not the case. The truth is this is the only way I'll know when someone is right for me... when I'm comfortable enough to say what I'm feeling, or not feeling, for that matter. For some reason or another, of all the men I've dated or "liked," not one has given my heart what she needs in order to relax and let go. I don't say this to mean only a man can help my heart let go... I say this to mean that my heart just isn't ready to open up yet. And for all I know, I could have already met plenty of men who do care enough about me to make it work, but if I'm not really "present" in the relationship, then there isn't really much to work with, right?

Maybe I'm finally reaching a point where I'd like to at least explore another relationship. I feel like I need practice. Like I need to be with somone who is just willing to go through the motions of learning what a relationship is all about, and someone willing enough to help me learn when I'm struggling with what to do next.

I understand I'm not a "normal girl" with "normal issues" because of many things I've experienced in my tired little 27 years of life, but I also understand that... well... how many of us are really all that normal anyway? And what does that even mean?! You are only as normal as you feel, and if I don't feel 100%, then eventually it's going to show, and it's going to slither its way into other areas of my life without me even recognizing it... until it's too late. I can't keep my heart cold, hard and locked away forever.


On a side note: I had my first counseling appointment last week to pursue confronting my rapist. I need help wrapping my head around my motivation behind needing to see him. And before I even do that, I have to look at this confrontation from every angle. I don't know how I will react when I see him standing in front of me, or how he will react when he sees my face. Maybe more than I need to see him, I need him to see ME... this possibility surfaced in my session, and I haven't been able to get it out of my head since then...