Fallen

I just fell out of my shower and into my bed, soaking wet. I was washing my face when I had to hold myself up because I almost crumbled in the shower. I almost threw up for some reason. I was shaking. I needed to lay down but I couldn't get myself up and out of the shower. I turned the water off in one sweep, grabbed my towel, stumbled my way to my bed and fell down, naked and soaking wet. I was sweating, praying I wasn't going to throw up, hoping this would pass like the rest.

I'm dressed now, but don't feel like going into work anymore. But I have to. And I still have to do some things for my friend's wedding. I really don't feel like, but I have to. I'm mentally spent.

I have to admit it now. I think I want a boyfriend. I can't help but wish someone was here when things like this happen. When I can't sleep, when I can't stand up in the shower because my mind and body has left me, when I'm throwing up what I just ate because I can't hold anything down. I want someone my heart can trust and be safe with, someone who cares and loves me enough to not leave if it gets too hard, someone who won't lie to me, someone who won't give me shit if I need to slow down.

Who am I kidding, though? Any man who could know about a woman's so many dirty little secrets would never, willingly, jump into a relationship with her... too many red flags to count. My next boyfriend will never know about any of this. He can't. Every man I've trusted with the painful parts of my life have used it against me. Granted I still had unresolved issues, but don't tell your friends and family about my rape and then lie to me after I ask you, "Did you tell people about what happened on my birthday?"

I think I've just been hurt way too much to ever fully trust anyone again. I think this is my truth. I'm afraid there isn't anyone out there for my heart. Everything will work itself out, I know. Just confiding another secret... just releasing this into the world:

I don't know if I'm ready for another relationship... it scares me to know that there is a chance it won't work because nothing in Life is a guarantee... and I'm tired of going through the shitty motions of ending something that was so great. But how can I know if I'm ready unless you let me try? I just want to "fix" whatever my issues are. But I can't do that unles you give me someone to try with. I don't care about marriage or kids or the white picket fence. Just give me someone who cares enough about me to be with me right now, no matter what. I just want a boyfriend who doesn't care what other people think or do, just someone who is comfortable in his own skin, comfortable enough to be with all of me - the good and bad. If I need my space, then that should be okay. If I can't have sex one night, I don't want to fight about it, I just want him to understand. I just want to be with someone who understands that I'm doing the best I can, and I am, slowly but surely, getting my life back on track. I just want to finally be with someone who cares about me, can love me, and understands that I'm trying... I hope that can be enough...

I can't believe how bad my head hurts and how badly I need to throw up. I don't understand the physical reactions and weird sicknesses I get from time to time. Please help me understand this. Please help me understand what I need to do to get my physical health back in order. I used to be so healthy, always working out and staying in shape. Lately, though, I haven't been able to feel 100%. And I don't know why...

The Next Step

So now what? I desperately want to relocate, but because I want it to be for a while, I have to do it right. I have to pay off more bills and save a nice nest egg... relocating is so financially stressing! It just seems so far away... I'm afraid I'm going to get "stuck" here. I don't want that. I don't want to live here forever. I have to see what else is out there, who esle is out there. I have to travel. I have to meet new people and try new things. I'm tired of feeling like my life is on hold.

It makes me sad that I'm kind of over a few relationships. It makes me really sad. I don't want to walk away, but I'm at a loss of what else to do. If it's been so long and I still feel like I don't really know what's going on, then I'm afraid I'm never going to know. And how long is too long to hold on? I'm tired of holding on and waiting for the light to go off in my head... my heart feels it. But I'm resisting the final understanding of it for some reason. Just like I'm resisting writing and seeing my family. I'm standing in my own way.

So I'm just going to let it all go and walk away.

I hope I can relocate soon. I desperately need a big change, a fresh start. I need that one thing or person to make it all finally click together. Whatever it is that I need to see, hear, learn or know, it better happen real soon. Before my birthday, the anniversary of my rape.

Letting Go...

I think I'm going to let go of a few things/people in my life. I can't say much else other than it really sucks. They're relationships that have been confusing to "read." I don't like not knowing how I feel. I don't like not being able to 100% trust anyone because they've already hurt me pretty bad once... or because I've already been screwed with a few times.

I want to move forward with my life. I don't know how to do that if I have "confusing energy" around me. God, that sounds so cheesy, but it's true. I feel like I've reached a point where I've been "played with" for so long, meaning - I don't know how I feel, that it's almost holding me back now. It's making me feel stuck or something for some reason. Who wants to feel stuck? It's a pretty shitty feeling, believe me. I don't know if I should trust my head or my heart...

I just want to know the truth already. That's all. I want to know why she feels the way she does, what he really wants, why he's back, if it was real love then or if it's real love now.

I don't understand what I'm feeling. I'm pretty sure I just need to know the truth already. I need a sign, one way or another. I'm putting this out there, to the world... I need a few signs, please... until then, I'm done... I'm letting go...

Avoiding the Inevitable

I'm not sure what's happening the last few days. I haven't been feeling so hot. Can't hold much of anything down in terms of eating. My headaches are getting worse. I am so drained and exhausted.

I could be PMSing.

But I doubt it, since this is what happens when I'm consumed with my rape again. I've been trying to get things organized for the website, trying to stay focused on the happy Life events around the corner... but ever since what happened with Bob a few days ago, my mind has completely left me.

I cried last night.

I needed a break, so I headed out of town yesterday afternoon. I did my usual thinking while aimlessly driving around, stopping wherever I felt, driving however far I wanted. I passed the freeway exit to my Grandma's house. If she were alive, I would've driven straight to her house for jokes and movies.

And then everything I've been avoiding hit me like a ton of bricks. Everything I've been holding in, running away from...

I've been smoking nonstop since she died. I've been such a pothead, totally & completely ignoring anything requiring care, responsibility and attention... just drowning myself in my work and side projects. I bought a quarter the day after her cremation.

I cried my eyes out while watching her casket go in. I couldn't let go of her, couldn't stop touching her, hugging her... I wanted to pick her up and take her home with me. Her illness took everything out of her. She couldn't talk, walk, eat, drink... always choking on each sip of water she took. Unable to ever stay comfortable because she could, literally, feel her muscles melt away... pleading in front of me for God to take her to a healthier, happier place because if she couldn't even breathe on her own, then what was the point of living anymore?? She fought for her life as hard as I fought for mine. She gives me strength. From the time I was born, just two days old, and I was already living with her. And when home life was at its most violent, I always escaped to her house.

Tears are forming at just wishing I could hug her one last time, hold her hand, comb her hair, watch her try to hold in her laughter as I told stories because it hurt her too much to laugh like she loved to do. But trying to hold it in would always make us laugh more! Those were my favorite times. When she was smiling and laughing. Knowing that no matter what, all that mattered was that we were around her, loving and caring for her.

I wish we could still look at fashion magazines like she loved to do. I miss watching her eyes light up anytime she saw a baby on tv. I wanted to give her great-grandchildren before she died. Even if she couldn't pick up my son/daughter. I wanted her to have a new life to love before God took hers away, slowly and painfully. She wanted to see us all settled, happy and with families. She wanted nothing but the best for each of us, always sharing Life's Instructions to smooth our paths.

I can't believe how much I miss her. I wish she were here. This is why I've been smoking so much. I haven't wanted to face the reality that she's really, really gone. Just thinking about being in her house again, looking at the wall of family portraits as I walk upstairs to her bedroom where I used to sleep... I can't do it. Not yet.

I so badly wish she were here. She would tell me how to be okay right now. She and I would have one of our Life discussions and everything would make sense again... I can't believe how much I miss her. How much I have missed her all these months but haven't let myself think about it... or feel it.

So I've been feverishly smoking ever since. Even taking a few hits before setting down my keys after I get home from work... sometimes even smoking before I go into work because I've had dreams about her, Jay raping me, or being chased by faceless people and vicious animals.

Lately, though, the dreams have been about me just being lost and scared somewhere. It's been in/around water lately. Once it was a deserted ship or something. Last night we were on an island. And I'm always with someone, but I never recognize this person. It's just a faceless person that I'm comfortable with, but don't entirely trust for some reason. And just as I think everything is going to be alright, something happens in my dream to jeopardize my life. With the ship, I kept running up and down stairs to find someone I knew because suddenly, the ship was rapidly sinking. And anytime I ran to a closed door to open it, it was locked. I had no way out. Trapped. And with the island dream last night: It was a fantastic beach day. Just when a friend and I snagged a spot, the weather turned horrible. Hurricane. And when I turned around to find my friend, he/she was gone. No where to be found. Stranded again, my life flashing before my eyes, the tides ready to eat me alive.

I continue to receive messages and emails from other survivors who are so grateful for the work I'm doing with these projects. The most important thing for me is to bring us all together. While our projects aren't 100% full-blown just yet, it's important to remember we can't make that happen until we've net together a strong support system. That's all I'm doing right now. That's the only thing keeping me alive and human. But even in the midst of all this, I still have overwhelming moments where I need to step back and allow myself room to breathe. Especially if I'm reading another survivor's story.

We aren't alone.

Fuck our rapists and abusers.

I can't even ramble about much else... just really, really tired.

Goodnight... hopefully...

2 hours after I wrote this, I called my dealer for more smoke... I'm sorry, JIP...

Finished

I finished my smoke yesterday. I can't ration it if I know it's around. I just smoke until it's gone. I won't be reloading for a while. I just hope the nights are okay...

I don't know...

See how easy is it for me to go from doing great to being confused all over again? Is everyone like this? I think my age has something to do with it, honestly. Being 27 is kind of a weird place... especially if marraige and kids aren't priority like everyone else you know.

I'm okay with telling Bob about my rape. But now I'm going to feel a little awkward for a little while. It's just going to take me a while to not feel so naked at the office. And the guys talk, so I don't doubt that Bob already told the rest that it's true, I was raped.

Lately, though, since my last two boyfriends have popped back into my life, I can't stop thinking about someone else. I don't even know why. I'm curious about our "friendship." It doesn't feel like it's just a friendship, it feels like it might be something more... but I don't know if that's what we want... or maybe we're just too lame to admit we want it? I don't know why it even matters lately. I think I'm curious about who/what else is out there because I've finally closed the door on some unhealthy relationships. I'm curious why sex feels so incredible and safe with this one, and why we're still holding on. But I don't know how much longer I want to live here... I've been dying to relocate for so long now. It's just a matter of paying off a few more bills and then I can seriously figure it out. But being in two weddings in the next 13 months is preventing me from really saving much money for a big move... and I need a passport (maybe international visa, too)for the second wedding so that should give you a hint of how expensive Life is going to be for a little while. (Note to the World: No matter where I'm at, you better hook me up with a good boyfriend during this time... I want someone fun, cool and attractive - and must like to party, because we sure as hell love our alcohol and jokes! - to share this trip with. How boring to go to a 10 day destination wedding all by yourself!)

Anyhow, I don't know... just curious ... but the not-knowing is what makes this fun. I don't want to push the envelope with anything. Everything will work itself out when the time is right. I have plenty to keep me busy in the meantime...

Exposed

I work in an all male environment - a construction company.

I snapped at work yesterday because:

There is an Asian architect working on this specific project with us, except he sucks at everything having to do with architecture. His plans are always wrong, measurements are off, title blocks are misspelled, they're always arriving late... you name it. And on top of all that, he's even more frustrating to work with because you can never understand what he's trying to say - he has a thick Asian accent and he talks super fast. Yeah, we're NEVER going to get a project completion stamp on this one at this rate. This project was slated a 6 month remodel. We're going on month 15. I don't know how we're ever going to stick to this schedule if these fucking architects keep sending us wrong plans. I'm tired of this fucking project.

Anyhow, my office is always making fun of this guy. We aren't rude or evil or anything. We just start poking fun at how lame he is because we're so frustrated with this project. This architect has made a few really random, weird, but awkwardly funny comments to me before. The first was about me giving him a back-rub or some shit. So the guys haven't been able to forget about that one. He's already weird without that comment, and now this is just egging them on more. But a few weeks ago, the architect made another comment about me giving him a kiss or something. I think he just mixed up his words and it came out sounding that way, but that's not what he meant. The guys in the office know it was a communication gap kind of slip-up, but still, they sure do love to bring that one up, too.

One coworker in particular, "Bob," gets unbelievably irritated with this architect. Bob has to work with him the most on plans, dimensions, room allowances, etc., and he's the one guy who pokes the most fun by imitating this architect's comments to me. And yesterday, Bob started to do this right in front of the architect, as he was talking to him. After the design team left the office to continue their meeting elsewhere, a few of the guys started to laugh about what Bob just did, knowing it wasn't cool... but it was still funny.

I was laughing, too. It was a funny situation. You had to be there. But then I got really irritated when they wouldn't stop with the sexual innuendos between this architect and me. And there were a few guys in the office at the time that we've hired to do different parts of this remodel, guys that aren't with the company I work for. So when everyone started to feed off of each other at my expense, I snapped at Bob.

I wasn't yelling or livid or anything like that. I was just getting very short and irritated, and Bob could tell. "Take it easy, there. Jeez. You don't have to get all bent..."

And that pissed me off because Bob said something about me being too sensitive the other day. I didn't care because he doesn't know why I react the way I do. In reality, according to how little he knows about me, I am sensitive. But what really started to bother me about him is how he uses "rape" so casually. For example, if talking about sports: "Man, the Heat raped the Lakers last night!" I don't like that he uses the word like that. I hate hearing that word. Especially when it's tossed around so casually. It's not a casual word. There's nothing casual about it. It's dangerous.

My response: "I don't care what you say, just don't say it in front of everyone. Just don't say that shit right in front of him because then he's going to think it's okay to keep saying things like that. And I don't want that. And all of you guys laughing makes it look like it's okay. And it's not. There's a reason certain shit bugs me." I guess this was the last straw for me at work in general.

I couldn't believe how pissed I was. I wanted to seriously just walk off that job and never return. This is my daily struggle. I work with dudes all day long, and NONE of them can ever understand how hard it can get sometimes - being a rape survivor working on a construction job site. Especially if I have a sleepless night with nightmares... the last thing I want to do is be surrounded by 70-80 dudes coming at me because they all need something. I hate Life on those days. It feels like I'm working with/for the enemy.

Luckily, right after I told Bob to (basically) shut the fuck up, our printer called with my order. No one could deliver so I needed to drive downtown to pick up. Thank God.

I was very troubled while driving to and from the printer. Bob and I are pretty cool. He's like a big brother. In fact, all of the guys are like my big brothers. So I felt really troubled that I know these guys so well and they don't know the one thing about me they need to know. And they need to know about my rape for two reasons: (1) They need to be more appropriate and sensitive in certain situations. There's a time and place for everything. This is the bottom line (in my opinion): I'm the only woman on that job site. I should be respected, considering I run that fucking office for these fuckers. They should not egg each other on with sexual innuendos involving me and other guys working on this job - especially in front of the designers and architects. I'm sorry, but that's just not cool, especially since I already feel like a piece of meat on this job site. And (2) I think I can teach these guys something. I don't know what it is quite yet. But a little knowledge never hurt anyone.

So I picked up my print job and reluctantly drove back to work. I was hoping it wasn't going to be awkward. I was already thinking about calling in sick today. It was fine. There was a little break of time when everyone left the office except for Bob and I. I broke it down for him:

"Okay. Listen. The reason certain shit bugs me is because I was raped." And then I explained how on the days when I'm sometimes really out of it, when they tease me about being hungover or cranky, it's because I've had a really hard night with nightmares of it happening over and over again. "Then, to come into work where I'm surrounded by nothing but men all day long... it's real hard sometimes. It takes a lot for me to get bent out of shape, and I love joking around. But i just don't like that stuff being said in front of everyone."

"Wow," Bob said. "You sure picked a hell of a job."

"Yeah, I know. It's sometimes real crazy for me that I work here. I'm lucky that everyone's so great, but sometimes stuff like that just isn't cool." Bob apologized and said he'll be better. He asked me when I was raped.

"I had my suspicions about it."

"What do you mean?"

"Just from you talking about all this fundraiser and non-profit stuff you're doing. It's not a big deal to the guys... They're not going to care or anything. I mean, I'm sure it's a big deal to you, but it's okay to let the other guys know if you want."

"I know. I have no doubt that everyone has their 'suspicions' about it happening, but I just don't want to say anything yet. I know they're not going to care, especially since I'm sure you guys already kind of knew anyway, but I just don't think I need to really say anything about it."

"You're not ready to come out of the closet yet, huh?"

"I don't know if it's even that. I just don't feel like it. I will eventually, I don't know..."

"Okay. I mean, of course I'm not going to say anything, but okay."

And that was it. I was kind of bugged the rest of the afternoon by all of this. I was weirded out that I told my coworker I was raped. But I reached my limit with his jokes. I had to say something. I've been wanting to let these guys know that there are certain things that do make me uncomfortable. Not in a bad way. Not in a personal way. It's just how certain things make me feel now. I'm not mad at them or believe they're mean or anything... I'm still getting to know all the ways my rape changed my life. Communicating with men is a huge struggle for me... I can't believe I told Bob to shut the fuck up, but in a very polite, cool and no-drama kind of way.

I guess I am moving forward by finally learning how to face my fears... a few years ago, I would've just quit this job and forgotten about it.

Maybe the worst is really over. Maybe I just had to experience all of the bad stuff from the time I was born until now. And from here on out, all I have left is really good stuff. It has to be that way because it has to even out in the end... you have to go through the bad to get to the good.

Survivors Can Thrive!: The Blog Carnival Is Hitting The Road

Survivors Can Thrive!: The Blog Carnival Is Hitting The Road

Please check out the Blog Carnival details. I missed it the first round, but plan on participating for every carnival here on out. Deadline is August 16th.

PS - Bear with me... I have many sites to add to my sidebar, just haven't had time to do it yet. So thanks to everyone who has supported my blog by linking this one to theirs. I promise I am in the process of linking you to mine! :)

Doing Pretty Great!

I started to post a comment on Marj's blog last night, but it ended up turning into such a long-winded stoned rambling session that I just didn't go through with it! I just couldn't stop writing because once again, Marj & I are on the same page with raising awareness. As I started to write, the words started to pour out of me. I wanted to yell how great I've been feeling since telling the truth about my rape. Here it is:

Hey Marj - Just got your comment on my blog and popped over immediately. I am SO proud of you! Reading your secret brought tears to my eyes, but it's so cleansing and refreshing to release all of that pain & turmoil. Telling the truth is REALLY scary... doing something like this is right along the same path of where my heads been lately.

I've been so consumed with so many different aspects of my rape & getting to know myself again because I've been too disconnected for too long. And that's why I haven't posted much lately... weird life situations have really been forcing me to take a long, hard look at my rape, and my life before and after... & who I am now because of everything I've experienced.

But I realized something this last weekend:

I don't think I've ever been happier in my life. It wasn't until I started to shout my rape to the world that I started to feel so alive and "human" again. I admit I was was freaking out in the beginning. Remember what we emailed about? It was a really, really scary situation - and completely testing. I was determined to not be sought after and invaded again. I think (hope!) the worst is over... I definitely learned a shitload about myself - my boundaries, my fears, my paranoias, my instinct, my strength.

Connecting with other survivors has been so rewarding already that I can't wait until things start rolling on the non-profit, fundraiser & retreat center. It's going to be amazing to help others release their internal cancer and enjoy their lives again.

Don't get me wrong - I still have flashbacks and fears, rough days and nightmare-filled nights. But I just have to take it as it comes. It's a process. HEALING IS A PROCESS. Just like it takes time for a cut to heal, so it does for the heart.

It's so life-altering to survive the rape and abuse we have all survived. No one can really, truly understand how painful and damaging it is unless they've been through it. No wonder it's so scary to admit it's even happened at all, and why we suppress so much of it... even why we deny ourselves the truth for so many years. The most shocking truth above all is that it happens more than we know, like you said.

I never reported my rape. And my parents still don't know it happened.

It's really scary to tell the truth, but telling the truth is the best thing I can do. I don't care what people think of me. I'm not the only one who has survived really fucked up shit. You, my readers, friends & supporters, are my greatest evidence of that.

I'm creating a website to raise awareness and begin advertising for all of our projects. On this website, I'm going to have a designated area for survivor stories... a place where survivors can share their experience, learn about our projects (if they'd like to participate in something proactive now or later), and most importantly, feel validated as they read others' stories. I just want survivors to see that we are stronger than we feel - we've already survived one of the scariest life experiences. And some people don't survive.

My main focus right now is to create a hub for all survivors to meet and brainstorm... much like many other sites out there! I have connected with so many survivors already, which would've never happened if I hadn't told the truth about my rape. This truth business is pretty fucking scary, but in the end, it's the only thing that keeps you real, honest and HUMAN.

I'm still brainstorming all the things I'd like to include on my website, which is another reason I've been smoking so much. Eventually, I'd love to link all of my survivor friends & supporters from this blog to another section dedicated to online survivor journals or something. (Go to my post: "Survivors, Tell Me Your Story" a few posts down.) I can't begin to describe how incredibly healing it's been for me to read the words of other survivors.

I'm not alone.

And neither are you.

Why I Run...

Running has been my favorite outlet since high school. I used to always leave the house and go for a long run when I didn't want to be around my dad... which was usually after a bad night. And especially after I was raped, running and writing became my ONLY outlets. But I think I might need surgery on my knee, so running has been difficult the last few years. Usually a mile or so into my run, my knee locks and I can barely walk. I end up limping like a dipshit all the way back home. And to this day, after running five to ten miles a day for 12 years, I still don't know if I was running away from something or running towards it.

Yeah, I know - random running story. Just smoked to fall back asleep... been up for two hours already - how frustrating!

Another ex-boyfriend called me out of the blue yesterday. Questions Fanatic. I forgot about him (a good thing), until his call. He lives out of town but was in my neighborhood for a musician friend's show. I didn't call him back. A friend is having a pool party this weekend... there is a very good chance Questions Fanatic will be there since he's in the same group of friends - I didn't even think about this until he called me. Now I don't even want to go to this party - I just don't really like being around him. He makes me feel "icky." And if we're drinking together, we usually end up hooking up. Even though it's been a year since I've seen him, I don't want to leave any room to keep making that mistake. And yes, he's a mistake.

I'm smoking so much pot lately because Life is really fucking weird right now. I can't even get into right now because - thank God! - I'm falling back asleep. Hopefully I can catch another two hours before my alarm pisses me off...